All-American Movie Football Team
Two things I have always found entertaining are sports and movies. One of my favorite things to do is merge the two. With football season around the corner, I figured now would be a perfect opportunity to pick my fictional fantasy football team, sort of.
Not all of the movies I will select from will be totally fictional as we know many sports movies are based on true stories such as Remember the Titans and Rudy.
I will be running 11 personnel, meaning one running back and one tight end. So yes, we will be throwing the shit out of the ball with three wide receiver sets.
Quarterback- Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass (Remember The Titans)
The obvious choice for most would probably be Shane Falco. One of the things I love about Ronnie Bass, besides his luscious locks and awesome name, is that the guy is a certified badass. The way he took out the douche who injured Jerry Harris on his first play…ohhhhh man. Glorious.
Best quote: “Thanks for teaching me the veer, Rev.
Running Back- Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
This kid has swag like no other. He is the best running back in the land. He can do it all. Juke you. Run you over. Burn you. There is nothing Boobie Miles can’t do. In this pass heavy offense, your boy is going to average about 150 all purpose yards per game.
Best Quote: “Now hype is something that’s not for real. I’m all real.”
Wide Receiver- Rod Tidwell (Jerry McGuire)
He is a true possession receiver. He reminds me a lot of Chad Johnson in the early 2000s when no one could guard him. He isn’t scared to take a hit and he has a big personality.
Best Quote: “SHOW ME THE MONEY!”
Wide Receiver- Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
The guy was the leader of the basketball court in a state penitentiary. Obviously, guy is a baller. He also happens to be Michael Irvin so there’s that. As soon as he stepped on the football field, he made his presence known.
Best Quote: (After Paul Crewe said he must be quite the athlete) “You risked bringing your ass out to the jungle because you know I am.”
Slot Receiver- Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)
Dude is a complete wild card who loves to party, but sweet baby Jesus, your boy is Wes Welker 2.0. A perfect fit for the slot.
Best Quote: “Listen. You give ’em a Percocet, two Vicodin and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It’s very nice.”
Tight End- Brian Murphy (The Replacements)
Solid all around tight end and probably the only one I know based on the movies I have seen. By default, he gets the nod and that’s fine with me because he can catch and block. He is also clutch.
Best Quote: He doesn’t talk because he is deaf. He has some killer dance moves though.
Left Tackle- Louie Lastik (Remember The Titans)
Just an all-around good guy and sound football player. He is the prototypical big teddy bear. He is awesome.
Best Quote: “Man, I just gave yo momma a piggy back ride and she weighs twice as much as I do (while pretending to have hurt back).”
Left Guard- Billy Bob (Varsity Blues)
He was the best offensive lineman on his team. Unfortunately, he had some head trauma, but my coaches also won’t be assholes like Coach Kilmer.
Best Quote: (While staring at her tits) “Miss Davis, will you go to prom with me?”
Center- Rudy Zolteck (Little Giants)
He may be slow as shit, but what a good kid. He also farts on people. Major plus for my team. He is an instant plug in at the center position.
Best Quote: “Here’s a kiss for Murphy. And one for Patterson and Briggs too. (Farts)”
Right Guard- Jumbo Fumiko (The Replacements)
Sumo wrestler turned football player. It seemed to work out fine. The guy is a wrecking ball.
Best Quote: “Nan desu ka!”
Right Tackle- Big Mike (The Blindside)
Well he is the only real NFL player on my list. He turned out to be a decent professional athlete. He was destined for greatness due to his size. On top of that, Sandra Bullock is hot as fuck in that movie so there’s that. Lily Collins is also amazing. Seeing them each week is a bonus. Although I would not tell him that because he may kill me.
Best Quote: (After pushing player all the way off the field and coach asks where he was taking him) “The bus. It was time for him to go.”
As much as I love my offense, my defense is going to extinct any offense that faces it. Because of all the great linebackers out there, you know I am going with a 3-4 defense.
Defensive End- Julius Campbell (Remember The Titans)
No defense is complete without one half of T.C. Williams dynamic duo. Julius Campbell is an obvious choice. He leads by example and is a phenomenal teammate. He does have a little swagger to him if you piss him off.
Best Quote: “Now, I ain’t saying that I’m perfect cause I’m not. And I ain’t never gonna be. None of us are. But we have won every single game we have played until now. So this team is perfect. We stepped out on the field that way tonight. And, uh, if it’s all the same to you, Coach Boone, that’s how we want to leave it.”
Defensive Tackle- Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)
Silent leader is the best way to describe him. He doesn’t say much, but he has a mean streak when you tick him off, much like fellow defensive lineman Julius Campbell. Solid run stopper and can clog the middle.
Best Quote: “These guys are nothing! They bleed just like we do, and sweat just like we do! They went through two-a-days. We went through two-a-days in 110 degree heat! I want you to hit everything that moves!”
Defensive End- Switowski (The Longest Yard)
There seems to a common theme among defensive lineman in football. Don’t piss them off. He is a massive human being. Although he talks like a total goober, don’t be fooled. He will kill you, literally.
Best Quote: “He broked-ed my nose.”
Outside Linebacker- Charles Jefferson (Fast Times At Ridgemont High)
Ok. I promise I am not doing this on purpose, but once again we have another guy who likes to take out people that piss him off. I couldn’t tell you his favorite color because he doesn’t say much. Just don’t fuck up his car and you should be ok.
Best Quote: (*Profound screaming*)
Middle Linebacker- Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)
The best movie football player off all time, not even debatable. Of course he will be playing middle linebacker for me. He is tackling machine and sack master. Talk about a complex human being. Dumb as a bag of rocks. Became a star overnight. Just talk about his momma.
Best Quote: “Momma said alligators are ornery cuz they got all dem teeth, but no toothbrush.”
Middle Linebacker-Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants)
No one wants her because she is a girl, but I will gladly take her. Girl can ball. The biggest problem is keeping her focused as she has an identity crisis. She goes through a phase where she wants to be a girly girl. You’re the fucking Icebox, get your shit together. Side note, girl certainly grew up into quite a looker. Good god almighty!
Best Quote: “You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?”
Outside Linebacker- Gerry Bertier (Remember The Titans)
I can’t have Julius without Gerry. These two are the original brothers from another mother. If anyone can set the tone, these two can. They know how to get a defense fired up. Gary is an All-American for a good reason. Great attitude and great player. No way he would be left off my defense.
Best Quote: “Alice, are you blind? Don’t you see the family resemblance? That’s my brother.” (When Julius walks in to hospital room)
Cornerback- Petey Jones (Remember The Titans)
He is pretty soft mentally, but the guy is a playmaker on the football field. Made the switch from running back to defensive back and never looked back. The biggest downfall is he doesn’t take criticism well, but we will nip that in the bud.
Best Quote: “Petey Jones, running back. The running back y’all. The.”
Cornerback- Earl Wilkinson (The Replacements)
Silent killer. Dude is a certified G. Had he not been wrongly accused by the law, he would have been one of the best NFL players of all time. You don’t want to be on an island with him, football or real life.
Best Quote: “Nice watch.” (Scares the crap out of the guy)
Strong Safety- Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
He is basically John Lynch 2.0. The guy knows how to lay the lumber on quarterbacks, running backs, tight ends and of course receivers. He will certainly bring the wood every week. He also understand there is life after football.
Best Quote: “We got to lighten up. We’re 17.”
Free Safety- Spike Hammersmith (Little Giants)
Spike is a freak of nature. He did his first pull up at 8 months old. He and his dad are both borderline psychotic. Really good for the football world. With someone like him free roaming the defensive backfield, you don’t want those problems. Not to mention, he was also an accomplished skater for team X-Blades in his later years…fun fact.
Best Quote: “Look, you bezerko barbie doll, when you mess with Spike, you mess with death.”
Of course no team is complete without return guys, kickers and punters…
Kicker- Derek Wallace (The Waterboy)
Just your run of the mill token black guy on a deep south football team. Dude can boot the mess out of the ball, especially when he visualizes a KKK mask. Rightfully so, kick the shit out of it, Derek.
Best Quote: “Oh yeah, there’s my bitch.”
Punter-Nigel “The Leg” Gruff (The Replacements)
We would not be a football team if we didn’t have at least one chain smoking Welsh with a gambling problem.
Best Quote: “I’m wiry.”
Kick/Punt Returner- Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
Not really a sports movie, but Bear Bryant thought he was good enough to be a return man for the University of Alambama. He just needs some assistance on when to stop.
Best Quote: “I’m sorry I ruined your New Years Eve Party Lieutenant Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.”
We also need guys running the show so I need my offensive coordinator, defensive coordinator and head coach.
Offensive Coordinator- Rick Vice (Division III Football’s Finest)
We need some crazy on the coaching tree so look no further than Rick Vice. His tactics are psychotic, but they get results.
Best Quote: “I am a product of pain and suffering. And I am happy to pass that along to you.”
Defensive Coordinator- Herman Boone (Remember The Titans)
Coach Boone commands respect. Although Bill Yoast ran the defense at T.C. Williams, it was his playbook and gameplan. He made that very clear in the beginning of the year. He is arguably the best football coach in movie history.
Best Quote: “We will be perfect in every aspect of the game. You drop a pass, you run a mile. You miss a blocking assignment, you run a mile. You fumble the football, and I will break my foot off in your John Brown hind parts, and then you will run a mile. Perfection! Let’s go to work.”
Now I bet you’re wondering why Boone isn’t my head coach if I think he is the GOAT, but here is why…
Head Coach- Gordon Bombay (Mighty Ducks, D2, D3 kind of)
I don’t give a flying duck if Gordon Bombay didn’t coach football. It doesn’t matter because he is Gordon fucking Bombay. He is the single greatest coach in the history of sports in the movies and in real life. So yes, Gordon Bombay is running my football team because Ducks fly together. I am a duck for life.
Best Quotes: “Every time you touch the ice, remember it was Hans who taught us to fly.”
“I was like you, Charlie. When I played hockey, I was a total hot shot… tried to take control of every game. I wound up quitting. So I tried the law. Same thing. I ruled the courtroom, but inside I was a mess. Started drinking. Man, I was going down. But then this great thing happened, maybe the best thing ever: I got arrested and sentenced to community service. And there you were: Charlie and the Ducks. And as hard as I fought it, there you were. You gave me a life, Charlie, and I want to say thank you. I told Orien about all this when I talked to him about taking over. I told him that you were the heart of the team and that you would learn something from each other. I told him that you were the real Minnesota Miracle Man. So be that man, Charlie. Be that man.”
“Have you guys ever seen a flock of ducks flying in perfect formation? It’s beautiful. Pretty awesome the way they all stick together. Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid. They know that if they mess with one duck, they gotta deal with the whole flock. I’m proud to be a Duck, and I’d be proud to fly with any one of you. So how about it? Who’s a Duck?”
“We’re team USA and we’re going all the way.”