Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope everyone enjoys celebrating this American holiday which began the oppression of the Native Americans. Enjoy your pumpkin pie though.
I hope you have a wonderful day listening to your relatives talk politics, share stupid stories about their children and make racist and insensitive comments (not in a joking manner). It is going to be another happy one. Bring on Christmas so I can at least have presents to hold me over.
Of course the standard has changed slightly. Thanksgiving is now a holiday of giving thanks for our family, friends and of course the asshole I live with, my cat. Benny…you are a certified G.
In light of Thanksgiving, I decided to put together a list of sports figures who I would love to have some turkey with. Enjoy. Wipe your face first, you have pumpkin pie all over it…stupid idiot.
5. Gregg Popovich
In case you haven’t noticed by now, I kind of despise the sports media as a general rule. Most are a bunch of twats and Pop treats them as such. He would most certainly get an invite to Thanksgiving for that alone. I would love to just get a real human moment from him because we don’t see it in the media as he does his best to troll them every chance he gets. He is also the best basketball coach on the planet, period. Just getting to have conversation with him about the sport in general and hear his thoughts on players around the league would be incredible. Watching him yell at people cutting the turkey would be a bonus.
4. Rob Gronkowski
I fully expect him to show with a truck full of kegs, blow up dolls and possibly strippers. Gronk is bringing the sizzle to the party. The dude is a party animal. The guy has the maturity level of a 13-year-old boy which is awesome. Just look up his interview about his 69th touchdown. The downside of Gronk is he may wind up spiking the turkey after doing a keg stand. Oh well, it’s Gronk. He can do that if he chooses.
3. Jon Gruden
I’ll tell you what man, here’s a guy who loves Thanksgiving. He will do whatever he can to make sure the attitude of the family is upbeat and positive. He makes sure everyone is getting along. Gruden would be awesome because I could fully see him giving color commentary about Gronk doing a keg stand, Pop carving a turkey and then breaking down how everyone eats. “I mean, here’s a guy who likes to mix his mash taters, corn and peas. It is a bold move, but it really fits him well. I love an innovator, man.” Chucky is the best! Spider 2 Y Banana y’all!
2. Marshawn Lynch
Imagine sitting there at a table with Beast Mode. Uncle Dan asks him his thoughts about the election and he just responds, I’m just here so I won’t get fined. Or maybe Aunt Lucy asks if he would like another slice of pie and he just responds “I appreciate you asking about my stomach, thanks.” I would love to dive into his head and see if he always had premeditated answers for the media. After dinner, he and Gronk could play Mortal Kombat like they did on Conan. That should provide some laughs for the family. I just hope he doesn’t play football with the children.
1. Bill Belichick
I feel like an invite to Belichick means there is always a good chance Tom Brady shows up. That means you have two mythical gods showing up to dinner. Seeing Belichick outside of football capacity seems like more of a mystery than Popovich outside of basketball. I would trade a holographic Charizard for 2 minutes of Belichick being a human being.