I have been playing fantasy football since I was 15. Holy shit, I just realized I have been playing for 11 years. There is nothing better than having an excuse to bad mouth my friends for four months out of the year. I have my first draft today, which is awesome! Best of luck to all of you. By best of luck, I mean I hope you all come down with amoebic dysentery and shit yourself. Since that is what will happen today!
I recently posted my fantasy football preview and urged anyone who doesn’t play to join a league. There are people you will notice upon joining any league. For those who have played, you probably know these people all too well. Sadly, I fit the description of some of these stereotypes.
5. The Commissioner
You can pretty much guarantee this guy will get made fun of the most. Take it from someone who knows. Our group messages consists of everyone shitting on me. Although, I can hold my own. Being a commissioner sucks. But if I don’t do it, who will? I get to listen to people bitch about stat corrections, bullshit excuses why they lost and organize draft parties. Us commissioners also tend to think we are more important than we actually are. So maybe that is the case here. Just know, being commissioner sucks.
4. The Stat Head
This is the guy who can tell you who is a good fantasy player and who is primed to be a bust. He is a total pain in the ass though. He asserts himself into every non-fantasy conversation and pretends fantasy is the be-all end-all to determining great players. In short, this guy doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.
3. The Girl
Every league has them now. Most people think they will walk all over the person with the vagina (probably shouldn’t assume that). Yet somehow, the girl in your league will probably finish in the top three or four. The girls tend to be smarter than the guys because they don’t overthink the moves. They don’t get cute and try to find the next steal or make any risky moves. They follow the ranks. They are like iceman from Top Gun. They are cold, calculated and stick to the status quo. They usually have one player they fangirl out over. No one is ever faulting a girl for taking Tom Brady though.
2. The Trash Talker
This person doesn’t shut up…also me. The entire draft you will hear this person shit on the picks. They are trying to get people to make stupid decisions so they can have someone fall to them. These people make the league fun. They are always willing to make side bets. They are usually willing to put their money where their mouth is. If you don’t like trash talk, stay the fuck out of my leagues.
1. The Sacko
The sacko is the guy who never sets his lineup. He probably doesn’t know that Terrell Owens is retired. Every league needs a sacko. When that playoff push rolls around, take advantage of them and trade rape them. Convince them that Mark Ingram and Tajae Sharp is totally worth it for LeVeon Bell. Don’t be the sacko.