Why Are You Here?
32. Cleveland Browns (0-9)
Verdict: I think drafting a kicker in the first round would likely solve all of this team’s problems.
31. San Francisco 49ers (1-9)
Verdict: In John Lynch we trust. They are moving in the right direction. After Jim Harbaugh left, they turned into a massive dumpster fire. Next year, I expect an improvement and two years, I think they will be in the mix.
30. New York Giants (1-8)
Verdict: Odellless means no playoffs. You’re irrelevant.
29. Indianapolis Colts (3-7)
Verdict: Free Andrew Luck.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-6)
Verdict: I like Jameis, but seriously you don’t deserve to win this year after your eat a w speech. WTF was that.
27. Chicago Bears (3-6)
Verdict: Taking their time by letting Mitchell Trubisky develop off of a strong and committed run game. Self aware team right here understanding that playoffs are just not in the cards. I respect that.
Sucks to Suck
26. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6)
Verdict: Is Marvin Lewis on the hot seat again? Blow it up.
25. Houston Texans (3-6)
Verdict: Worst luck ever. You finally have your star QB and you lose him. You lost your best defensive player. There’s always next year. At least you know you have a mega star in Deshaun Watson.
24. Los Angeles Chargers (3-6)
Verdict: Their fan base is bored by them. I am bored by them. Just be glad you’re not the Browns.
23. Denver Broncos (3-6)
Verdict: Colin Kaepernick is available and a better option than anyone you have. Watch how many people I can piss off saying that.
22. Green Bay Packers (5-4)
Verdict: No Rodgers. No relevance. I am glad people will finally see how good Rodgers really is and how bad this team is without him.
21. Miami Dolphins (4-5)
Verdict: Jay Cutler was a great idea. How is that working? League low in points scored.
20. New York Jets (4-6)
Verdict: Not that good. Not that bad. This is basically your side bitch of the NFL.
19. Arizona Cardinals (4-5)
Verdict: They can at least beat the bottom feeders of the league. One has to wonder how good they would be with David Johnson.
18. Baltimore Ravens (4-5)
Verdict: If only they had Jim Harbaugh and not John.
Capable of Playoffs
17. Oakland Raiders (4-5)
Verdict: BIGGEST. DISAPPOINTMENT. OF. 2017. Damn you Raiders. What the hell happened?
16. Buffalo Bills (5-4)
Verdict: I thought they were better than that. This team was borderline top 10 before getting bent over a barrel by the Saints.
15. Detroit Lions (5-4)
Verdict: Maybe one day they can figure out how to run the football.
14. Tennessee Titans (6-3)
Verdict: Because they have gotten off to a hot start, they’re in the driver’s seat. I just don’t know what to make of them though.
13. Washington Redskins (4-5)
Verdict: Injuries and not enough talent around Kirk Cousins. #PayTheMan Until you do, you deserve to lose.
12. Dallas Cowboys (5-4)
Verdict: The whole on and off suspension of Ezekiel Elliot was the biggest mess since Ross and Rachel WERE on a break.
11. Atlanta Falcons (5-4)
Verdict: Just like Newton after the Super Bowl, Matt Ryan came back down to Earth. Told you so. #NotElite
10. Kansas City Chiefs (6-3)
Verdict: Told you idiots not to jump on the bandwagon too soon. They’re good, but not that good.
9. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-3)
Verdict: Love love love this team. No fly zone on defense and will punch you in the mouth on offense. Imagine if they had someone not named Blake Bortles.
8. Minnesota Vikings (7-2)
Verdict: Gritty on defense is good enough to win when you’re up north.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2)
Verdict: Still explosive. Still don’t see them winning a Super Bowl. Ben still sucks on the road.
6. Carolina Panthers (7-3)
Verdict: I am putting them here for the sake of picking them to return to the Super Bowl. Christian McCaffrey is giving them a new dimension. Greg Olsen is coming back which means trouble.
5. Seattle Seahawks (6-3)
Verdict: Game manager my ass. How are people still saying that shit about Russell Wilson? No offensive line or running game. Still balling and still winning games.
4. Los Angeles Rams (7-2)
Verdict: Love this damn team. Overall, maybe the best team up front on both sides of the ball.
3. New England Patriots (7-2)
Verdict: Do I need to explain? Tom Brady + Bill Belichick = Trouble for anyone in their way.
2. New Orleans Saints (7-2)
Verdict: Although I didn’t think they would actually do it, I said if they actually fucking ran the ball they could win a hell of a lot of football games. For the all the people who are calling me out for being wrong, how did those playoff predictions work out the last two years you pansies?
1. Philadelphia Eagles (8-1)
Verdict: As great as the Rams are up front, the Eagles shit on them. This is the most complete team in the NFL next to the Saints. I hope we see that showdown happen in the NFC Championship.