The yearly tradition of watching the FX Series, The League, has begun. That only means one thing, fantasy football is upon us. Drafts are getting marked on the calendar. Sleepers and Keepers are in the back of your mind. For most of us the trash talk has already started.
In a world of political correctness and getting offended, fantasy football knows no boundaries. All offensive language is fair game. All trash talk is fair game. It is an understood agreement that no one is safe from receiving the inevitable trash talk.
While I still love fantasy football, I just don’t know who the hell I am anymore. After winning the league 4 of 5 years, I haven’t made the playoffs in two years. (Although I did win my family league)
The past two seasons I have become Mr.500. I have gone 6-6 in each of the last two years and I hate it. Part of that is because I made sure to make rules to keep people interested and find people who would actually give a shit about the league.
For example, we have fines for sucking. Lowest score every week pays $5. If you finish the regular season at the bottom of the totem pole, $25. Pay up buttercup. If you win the sacko (last place final standings), pay $25.
Since changing the rules three years ago, a grand total of three games separated 11 teams the first year and two games separated 10 teams last season. Despite missing the playoffs the last two years, it has been the most fun I have had with fantasy football.
The first year, I was mathematically out in the last week. However, it was fun knocking the second seed (out of 6) completely out of the playoffs. He not only didn’t get a first round bye, but he didn’t get a chance at the money.
This year I received a taste of my own medicine. I needed to just win one of my final two games. I lost both and got eliminated. I wound up finishing 9-6 overall, sweeping the consolation ladder. #ParticipationTrophyWinner
That being said, fantasy football is still everything.
As commissioner, I naturally receive the most shit from the league. I will not confirm or deny that much of it brought on myself. I have accepted the fact that I have basically become Kevin McArthur. I guess it’s better than Andre.
Although I am no bottom feeder of the league (like Kevin can be), I just can’t get in to the playoffs. This quote from the end of season 2 pretty much sums it up right now for me…
“Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Bullshit! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! ‘Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don’t know how to set a lineup.’ Fuck you! Fuck you, Taco! Fuck you, Ruxin! Stupid wise men! Stupid eggs! Stupid fucking eggs!”
That hopefully changes this year. I am still receiving shit for drafting Odell Beckham (1st), Brandon Marshall (11th) and Sterling Shepard (16th). They kept falling further and further. I waited 4 rounds before finally saying screw it and taking Marshall. How was I supposed to know all 3 would go down for the year?
I digress.
It is a new year. For some of us, our season has already started. One of my favorite parts of fantasy football is determining the draft order. We try to do something different every year. So this year, we decided to use the World Cup to determine where we select. With 12 teams, we decided on selecting a team for the knockout stage. Based off last year’s results (starting with the champ), we worked our way down where everyone picked a team. The order of elimination determines who gets to pick where they want to draft.
As if the World Cup isn’t fun enough, this just made it even better. Suck it, Andrew (France).
Now that the World Cup is over, we await the best day of the fantasy football season, draft day.
I just don’t know who I am or what I am anymore so hopefully I can get my mojo back this year. As for my league, here is my open letter to you…
Dear Dirty Dozen,
May you drown in your own tears as I climb the highest of fantasy mountains to achieve what is fantasy nirvana. You are the biggest group of assholes I know, which is ultimately why you are in this league. As the saying goes it takes one to know one.
You’re all a bunch of shit zipping dickheads.
I hope by the end of October most of you are crying and begging for mercy on the pounding I intend to rain down upon you. This is my year. This is the year I get back on top. This is the year I once again establish my dominance as a fantasy football commissioner. Hell, I may even fly to some mini camps this year. I am coming for blood. I do not rest until blood has been spilled on the fantasy battlefield.
To all my rivals in this league…
Ryan, baseball sucks and so do you. I cannot stress that enough.
Danny, you’re adopted.
Andrew. Drown.
Chris. I hope you get Ebola and the ghost of Harambe haunts you.
I want you all to never forget. EVER…
“Kap sucks, @The Joker sucks, Russia sucks,baseball sucks, @Mike lost to Baseball jokes suck. Hilary sucks. The Last Jedi sucks. The college football committee sucks. Alvin Gentry sucks.(And needs to be fired) . Quentin Nelson is the youngest of 36 cousins (never forget) I’m going to keep saying it. It won’t change.” -Danny Hillmann
Get ready because this is the year I burn it down.
Sincerely,
The Commish
PS I leave you with this…
In the words of the great Pete Eckhart, “God Bless Fantasy Football. There are many things a man can do with his time. But this is better than those things.”
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