Fantasy Football is Upon Us: Bring on the Trash Talk, Mock Drafts and Emotional Turmoil

The countdown is on as there are less than 100 days until the next draft of the Dirty Dozen Fantasy Football League. Every year is filled with ups, downs, anger, hostility, trash talk, questioning your existence and of course shitting all over your team because a Desean Jackson punt return for a TD gets called back in the 4th causing you to lose 145-143.3.

Fantasy football in all of it’s glory is the pinnacle of how much do you actually like your friends. It is the perfect way for you to rub your friend’s noses in the shit they compile during the draft. My league is fortunate enough to have low turnover with only 4 owners leaving in the last 4 years. As the new year approaches, a quick reminder to my league on the awards…

  • Most discussed: Leonard Fournette
    A straight up trade was made for Allen Robinson back when Fournette was hurt and his future uncertain. With penalties of money being dished, have to play to win. I somehow wounded up getting him coming off an injury where he torched the league for the small price of Carson Wentz and Jimmy Graham. W. 
  • Most Disgust: Due to personal ties, won’t be named.
  • Biggest Disappointment: Le’Veon Bell
  • Biggest Fantasy Disappointment: Andrew
  • Biggest Life Disappointment: Apparently me. Debateable.
  • Biggest Surprise: James Conner
  • Biggest Team Surprise: Ryan
  • Sacko: Lance
  • Biggest Denial of Reality: Tie. Danny for being fooled that the Jags stood a chance. The other Ryan for his continuous support of baseball.
  • Told You So Award: Josh Gordon. Turns out he is just Justin Blackmon in a skin suit.
  • Best Team Name: #DickMove
  • Do Better Award: Kevin
  • Newcomer Award: Lenny
  • Not Quite Over the Hill: Ricky
  • Most likely to draft an entire team: Me

For all that is holy, this is going into year 4 of the league and the competition is absolutely insane in terms of competition which is why I love it. After dominating the leagues I set up in previous ventures (5 of 6 1st place), I am now sitting at .500 over 3 years never doing worse or better than 6-6. This is the year though. I promise.

  • Career Record’s for the League (Playoff App)
    *Those who have more than 2 seasons*
    Kevin 10-26 (0)
    Matt 11-13 (1)
    Lance 12-24 (0)
    Ryan 12-12 (1)
    Danny 12-10 (2)
    Other Ryan 17-19 (1)
    Me 18-18 (1)
    Andrew 20-16 (2)
    Richard 20-16 (2)
    Ricky 21-15 (2)
    Other Matt 22-14 (2)
  • Everyone has missed the playoffs minus 2 people, one of which started two years ago and the other started last year.
  • Every year we have had someone start 3-1 or 3-0 and miss the playoffs.
  • Every year we have had someone start 1-3 and make the playoffs.

As for me, I have gotten myself into a 1-3 hole every single season. One of those years, I knocked the second seed completely out in the last week. I also had a second seed locked and needed to win just 1 of 2 in the final two weeks and couldn’t. Last year, I finally popped the playoff cherry and damn it, it was glorious. That was after having to down 7 Smirnoffs on draft day. What’s the excuse of everyone else?

One of our draft rules is any Falcons or Alabama players (LSU fans…barf) drafted, you must get iced. My roster included…

  • Julio Jones +2
  • Mark Ingram + 1
  • Matt Ryan +1
  • Calvin Ridley +2
  • Tevin Coleman +1

Naturally I was shit on for drafting an entire offense when the previous season I landed Odell Beckham, Brandon Marshall and Sterling Shepard, all of which were done for the year by Week 6.

As for the competitiveness, one of the biggest problems with Fantasy Football is keeping losing teams engaged even when their teams are done, which is a big reason I kept winning. As much as I love it, it gets old when it’s inferior competition. After all, there is nothing to lose for a lot of leagues when you suck. Well side bets aren’t the way to go as not everyone in the league actually knows one another and sees each other once per year. So we use money to do that.

Low score each week pays $5. Last place in regular season pays $20. Sacko also pays $20. So if you want to suck, pay your $100, then another $100 and go away.

That being said, my league is dope.

We’re On to 2019

As the 2019 fantasy season approaches, that means the shit talk begins. The draft strategies take place. For me, it’s finishing the entire series of The League before draft day (which I do every year). I am looking forward to it all from the ups, downs, trash talks, The List and the arguments in GroupMe.

This year we will be determining our draft order by way of a Wiffle Ball Home Run Derby. If I had to guess, this is my predictions for how that unfolds…

  • Lance – 0 Home Runs
    Hurts his knee on the second pitch and can’t compete
  • Richard – 0 Home Runs
    Furthest Ball lands at the catchers feet
  • Jared – 0 Home Runs
    Kept saying we didn’t know we were allowed throw fastballs (we weren’t)
  • Ricky – 1 Home Run
    Says in his youth, he takes out 10 easy. One home run comes from the power of Kale.
  • Ryan – 1 Home Run
    Prayed on that.
  • Andrew – 2 Home Runs
    Somehow does this holding the bat the wrong way
  • Matt – 2 Home Runs
    After 2 years, hasn’t checked the group me. Didn’t prepare for a home run derby
  • Lenny – 2 Home Runs
    Got distracted by someone yelling about the Earth being flat, otherwise could have made a strong push
  • Danny – 3 Home Runs
    Too busy bitching about how much baseball sucks
  • Other Ryan – 4 Home Runs
    Still bickering with Danny about baseball and keeps saying he doesn’t know whats wrong with him today
  • Me – 5 Home Runs
    Adjusts field direction according to the wind
  • Other Matt – 6 Home Runs
    The only guy who wears baseball pants and batting gloves for a fantasy league wiffle ball contest. He has to win.

Determining the draft order is one of my all-time favorite things about fantasy football. We make it fun and creative. Last year, we did a draft of World Cup squads. The year before that, a creative beer pong game. Now, we hit dingers. Well, some of us will.

The final prediction aside from me winning it all with the Cleveland Browns entire offense and who will take home rights to first overall, I predict the first 5 entries into Danny’s annual sucks list…

  • Baseball
  • Social Justice Warriors
  • Soup as a meal
  • Caesar Salad
  • People Who Hate Chris Farley

As for my league, you’re all the scum of the Earth. You’re all worthless pieces of shit and I can’t wait to watch your teams in a sea of regret.

 

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