Unapologetically Me

Week 5 Power Rankings – If Every Team NFL Team Was A Wrestler

Week 5 was a good one. At this point, there are a handful of teams I am sold on. With 13 teams at 2-2, the league is wide open. This power ranking was pretty damn hard honestly.

As for the topic, this is a massive week for wrestling. The war begins. You can read about that in a later post. But why not compare each team to some of the wrestlers of the past and present?

32. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 32
Record- 0-4

Gilberg – Jobbing for everyone and just laughable.

31. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 28
Record- 0-4

David Arquette – Why are they even here?

30. New York Jets
Last Week: 31
Record- 0-3

Brooklyn Brawler – Jobbing in New York.

29. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 30
Record- 0-4

Funaki – Wins occasionally, but mainly jobbing.

28. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 29
Record- 0-3-1

Damian Sandow – They look good sometimes, but most of the time, they’re not winning.

27. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 27
Record- 1-3

The Brood – Decent roster, bad quarterback play. Kind of like WWF using The Brood to push Gangrel.

26. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 25
Record- 1-3

Vince Russo – Had a good thing going for quite some time. Not so much now.

25. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 17
Record- 1-3

The Great Khali – A ton of talent and looks good on paper. Gets on the field, looks like shit.

24. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 26
Record- 2-2

Stardust – Sometimes they look good, but it’s just not working out.

23. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 22
Record- 2-2

Scott Hall – Vontaze Burfict suspended for the year after a pathetic display on a dirty hit. Bad guys aren’t finishing first here though.

22. New York Giants
Last Week: 24
Record- 2-2

Stone Cold Steve Austin – Since Daniel Jones took over…Arrive, Raise Hell, Leave. For now at least.

21. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 23
Record- 2-2

Jeff Hardy – They have potential. But ultimately, limitations at QB will hold them back. Kind of like Jeff Hardy’s substance abuse.

20. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 20
Record- 2-2

Ric Flair – Kind of like Flair, Cam Newton dresses crazy, has a lot of swag on the field, used to win many games, but now age and health are catching up.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 21
Record- 2-2

The Miz – The Miz is awesome. So is Gardner Minshew.

18. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 14
Record- 2-2

Bret “The Hitman” Hart – Colts for the most part are a fundamentally sound football team kind of like Brett in the ring. However, they need TY Hilton back. Him being hurt is the Montreal Screwjob.

17. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week: 16
Record- 2-2

Randy Orton – They were great last year and a legitimate contender. This year, they will win some games and hit the proverbial RKO OUT OF NOWHERE! They can still be exciting, but it comes and goes.

16. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 18
Record- 2-2

Kevin Nash – They notched a big win over the Packers after the playing on a short field multiple times. It is kind of like how Kevin Nash used to put himself over in WCW. Looks good on paper.

15. Houston Texans
Last Week: 12
Record- 2-2

Matt Hardy – Not sure what is going on with them. That offense is broken right now.

14. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 19
Record- 2-2

Cody Rhodes – You may have noticed I put his worst gimmick above. Browns get the nod for Cody because once they find an identity and figure out their offense, they can be the dangerous team many thought.

13. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 7
Record- 2-2

Terry Funk – Unconventional to the fullest and sometimes it works.

12. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 15
Record- 2-1-1

Rey Mysterio Jr. – They’re thought of as an underdog being in the NFC North, but they are holding their own thus far.

11. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 11
Record- 3-0

Jon Moxley – They have been gritty on defense and notching a few wins in the process remaining as one of three undefeated.

10. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 13
Record- 3-1

Dolph Ziggler – They played the Patriots well last week. Maybe they are under estimated like The Show Off.

9. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 10
Record- 3-1

Chris Jericho – No matter how much time passes or how bad the roster gets, Seahawks stay relevant and win games as long as they have Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson.

8. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 6
Record- 2-2

Kane – They should beat up on the inferior teams. When it comes to the main event, Kirk Cousins is still struggling against teams with winning records. I am still cheering for you Kirk.

7. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 9
Record- 3-1

Roman Reigns – Let the big dogs eat on that defense and they will many games this year once again.

6. Los Angeles Rams
Last Week: 5
Record- 3-1

Shawn Michaels – Flashy and fun to watch. The offense does work when it is clicking.

5. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 4
Record- 3-1

Vince McMahon – Everyone hates them. But yet, they still move the needle. It is still a good football team.

4. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 3
Record- 3-1

Kurt Angle – They have their flashy moments. Ultimately, just a technically sound team right now.

3. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 8
Record- 3-1

Daniel Bryan – Whether the league likes it or not, they look poised for a hell of a run once Drew Brees comes back. Keep underestimating them.

2. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 2
Record- 4-0

The Rock – It is the most electrifying team in the league thanks to Patty Mahomes.

1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 1
Record- 4-0

John Cena – You can’t see them. No matter what happens, they are always at the top. True juggernaut.


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