Week 7 Power Rankings – If Every NFL Team Was A Fast Food Joint

NFL is in full swing and I have enjoyed putting together my own weekly power rankings as well as my Monday Not So Morning Thoughts from each week. Check my latest one here: Week 6 Monday Not So Morning Thoughts.

For this week’s topic of choice with the power rankings, I have decided to compare every NFL team to a fast food joint. For the record, there are some major places I have not eaten like In and Out Burger. I can only go off the food I have consumed.

32. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 32
Record- 0-5

Taco Bell – Trash ass food. You know exactly what you’re paying for though.

31. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 31
Record- 1-5

Taco Tico – At least Miami knows they suck. It is sad watching you guys try.

30. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 29
Record- 0-6

Long John Silvers – Literally nothing appealing about the Bengals at all. (For the record, never eaten here. I live in Louisiana. I am certainly not buying my seafood here.)

29. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 26
Record- 1-5

Krispy Kreme – On the surface, it should be good. It’s freaking donuts. But, it’s nothing but sugary shit. Kind of like having weapons like Devonta Freeman, Julio Jones, Calvin Ridley, Austin Hooper and Deion Jones and you can’t even beat inferior teams.

28. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week: 23
Record- 2-4

Burger King – I can’t figure out what they are. Neither can they. Burger King home of macaroni stuffed cheetos or whatever the hell they’re doing now.

27. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 25
Record- 2-4

Orange Julius – A household name of the past. It is weird seeing the Steelers completely irrelevant.

26. New York Jets
Last Week: 30
Record- 1-4

Waffle House – This technically isn’t fast food, but it is my blog and I can do what I want. Hear me out. They looked like complete trash without Sam Darnold. Kind of like when you like when you walk into a Waffle House. Nothing screams fine dining quite like a gas station bathroom atmosphere, but the food isn’t bad. Maybe there is more to the Jets this season.

25. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 27
Record- 2-4

Jack in the Box – Nothing high quality. But, they do have a great defense. Just like your intestines will need if you decide to drop in here.

24. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 24
Record- 2-4

McDonalds – The hype and offense is more broke than the ice cream machine. Seriously, when you fixing that?

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 22
Record- 2-4

Crabby Patty – It may be a fictional joint, but Jameis Winston clearly doesn’t live in the real world. The dude is a head case. Plus there is an obvious joke to be made here about the owner and Jameis Winston.

22. New York Giants
Last Week: 21
Record- 2-4

Jersey Mike’s Subs – Honestly, I have nothing creative here. I just like the idea of some New Yorker being pissed about me using Jersey Mike’s as a comparison to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS!

21. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 28
Record- 2-3-1

Jamba Juice – Kyler Murray has given them some life, but at the end of the day, you’re still a bottom feeder.

20. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 20
Record- 2-4

KFC – Maybe one day they can figure out how to establish some consistency within that organization. I don’t know what to expect from them, just like I don’t know which celebrity shows up as Colonel Sanders.

19. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 19
Record- 2-4

Dunkin’ Donuts – America runs on Dunkin. Just like America runs on the power of Gardner Freaking Minshew.

18. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 18
Record- 4-2

Buffalo Wild Wings – No matter how many times I go to B Dubs, I always leave feeling like crap and the service is usually bad. Yet, I keep going back so maybe it is not as bad as I think. For all intents and purposes, Carolina shouldn’t be 4-2. Yet, here we are.

17. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 17
Record- 3-2

Shake Shack – The Raiders look decent right now and appear to be in early stages for the rebuild in anticipation of their move to Vegas. Let’s see where the growth takes them. It appears to be trending up like Shake Shack. Only time will tell.

16. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 16
Record- 3-3

Chipotle – Overrated.

15. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 14
Record- 4-2

Baskin-Robbins – Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavors is like playing with a team where Lamar Jackson is your starter. He is good enough to win some games. Ultimately, it is a crap shoot every time he drops back where exactly that ball is going to end up. Just like me picking which flavor I want.

14. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 9
Record- 3-3

Whataburger – The people of Texas (at least Cowboys fans) think you’re better than you are at this point. The rest of the people think you’re shit. In reality, you’re somewhere in between.

13. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 13
Record- 2-2-1

Dairy Queen – You don’t get enough love at all. But you’re a quality product.

12. Houston Texans
Last Week: 15
Record- 4-2

Moe’s – When that offense is clicking, the Texans are a damn good football team. When I need a good burrito fix, I know what fast food joint I am hitting up. It will fill my needs. But, my craving for burritos come and go.

11. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 12
Record- 3-2

Jimmy Johns – They are good enough to get the job done. But it is certainly not your first choice when you grab a sandwich. If it is, bless your heart.

10. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 11
Record- 3-2

Steak N Shake – It is the home state chain. I am a big fan of Steak N Shake. Consistent. I know what I am getting. Meet the Colts.

9. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 8
Record- 4-1

Auntie Anne’s – All they sell is pretzels. Nothing screams top of the line about them. Look around any mall, airport or food court, you’ll find one. The Bills are here at 4-1 hanging around.

8. Los Angeles Rams
Last Week: 7
Record- 3-3

Subway – They will always be one of the top chains. They’re overpriced, just like the Rams spending habits as of late. Quite frankly, I find myself turning away from them more and more.

7. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 4
Record- 4-2

Wendy’s – The quality of product is there. They will always be in the mix as one of the better options. Keep slipping and you’ll find yourself on the outside looking in at the real contenders.

6. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 10
Record- 4-2

Sonic – They have plenty of weapons to choose from. Thanks to a loaded arsenal of offense, it is a dangerous game to play. Pick your poison.

5. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 5
Record- 5-1

Starbucks – The product isn’t always great on the field much like the coffee isn’t great. But, Russell Wilson is a household name and he will get the job done.

4. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 3
Record- 5-1

Panera Bread – Nothing flashy. Do what you have to do to get the job done every single week. I like Panera. I get my soup and salad and I am good to go.

3. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 6
Record- 5-0

Popeyes – The San Francisco D is bringing a lot of flavor with a heavy pass rush that hits hard. For football fans and fantasy teams, it is certainly a treat to have. I am always satisfied just like when I get my chicken, red beans, fries and a biscuit.

2. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 2
Record- 5-1

Raising Cane’s – Obvious reasons here. They’re local and they are awesome. My favorite fast food joint around. One Love. Todd Graves, can a blogger get some money to be a sponsor? Don’t file suit against me though please. This blog has only made me $4.67. Don’t take all that I have please.

1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 1
Record- 6-0

Chick Fil A – They have been ranked the top fast food joint over the last four years. It is only fitting that the most dominant teams gets the nod for the most dominant chain. There is also the parallel of controversy between the two. Yet, they still end up on top.

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