Week 9 Power Rankings – Every NFL Team as Halloween Candy

Happy Halloween witches. It is the midway mark and I have begun my outpouring of midway recaps and rankings. Check them out in the sports section.

At this point for my regular readers, you know the drill. I rank the teams and compare them to the topic at hand. On this Halloween, I compare NFL teams to Halloween candy. Trick or treat.

32. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 32
Record- 0-7

Sugar Daddy – Miami is likely filled with them so that is a nice parallel. The real reason though…nobody wants that shit. Just like no one wants to watch this team.

31. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 31
Record- 1-7

Smarties – You may as well eat chalk. Although the name dictates something better. Much like the Redskins inability to accept the fact they just suck.

30. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 28
Record- 0-8

Almond Joy – There is absolutely nothing joyous about it. You can bank on me throwing them away like you can bank on the Bengals throwing away their season.

29. New York Jets
Last Week: 30
Record- 1-6

Runts – That is exactly what they are.

28. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 29
Record- 1-7

Spree – You are basically an off brand Skittles. You look good, but you’re not.

27. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 25
Record- 2-6

Werther’s Original – Your GM is living off his name and the organization has become a dumpster fire. Someone get John Elway some Werther’s, time has passed you by old man.

26. New York Giants
Last Week: 24
Record- 2-6

Pixy Stix – Just a bunch of sugary shit that is absolutely useless.

25. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 26
Record- 3-4

Fun Dip – They were good when I was younger. Now, it’s just a weird gimmick (wildcat really?) I can’t bare to watch unfold.

24. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week: 27
Record- 3-5

Hershey’s – The most basic brand of chocolate goes to the most basic team in the league.

23. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 23
Record- 2-5

Pop Rocks – It is only a matter of time before the locker room fireworks happen within that organization.

22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 22
Record- 2-5

Dum Dums – (Insert Weekly shot at Jameis)

21. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 21
Record- 3-4-1

Dots – You’re trying. You’re just not that good.

20. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 15
Record- 4-3

3 Musketeers – They are floating around in the playoff picture, but there isn’t much upside for them to sustain.

19. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 20
Record- 4-4

Bazooka – Bland.

18. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 18
Record- 3-4

Baby Ruth – It is a classic candy bar filled with nuts. See Raiders and Jon Gruden, the nuttiest of the nuts leading a historic franchise. But no matter what, I’ll always like Baby Ruth just like I will pull for the Raiders to be good as long as Gruden is their guy.

17. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 14
Record- 3-4

Now and Later – Are they good? Are they bad? Make up your damn mind Bears!

16. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 17
Record- 4-4

Jawbreakers – Mess with Gardner Minshew and he will breaking your fucking jaw.

15. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 12
Record- 5-2

Nerds – They’re 5-2 and yet I have them at 15. Nerds never get respect and neither do the Bills. Sorry. I still like them. Solid D and Josh Allen is a total gamer.

14. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 19
Record- 4-4

Lemonheads – A Bunch of lemons in that locker room.

13. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 16
Record- 3-3-1

Life Savers – The Lions are middle of the road and they will certainly need a life saver in order to make it out of the brutal NFC North.

12. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 13
Record- 4-3

Warheads – Get past the fact that it is the Dallas Cowboys just like getting past the sour, they’re not as bad as you think. You probably still won’t like them unless you’re a Cowboys fan.

11. Houston Texans
Last Week: 11
Record- 5-3

Rolo – Caramel and chocolate is a deadly combination of flavor. When things are working, so is Deshaun and DeAndre.

10. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 10
Record- 5-2

Kit Kat – They are well balanced much like the Kit Kat which has the right amount crunchy, creamy and tasty.

9. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 6
Record- 5-3

Snickers – They are not really themselves without Patty Mahomes. Once he comes back, boom, back to normal. They’re just hungry.

8. Los Angeles Rams
Last Week: 8
Record- 5-3

Krackel – This team needs to figure out who the hell they are. Once they do, maybe they get the upgrade to Crunch.

7. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 9
Record- 6-2

Tootsie Roll – No matter how many I ended up with, they were never my first choice. However, once I started eating them, I wouldn’t stop. I am starting to come around on Lamar Jackson. Maybe his running and passing is sustainable.

6. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 7
Record- 6-2

Twix – I don’t know that they ever get the nod as the best team in the power rankings. But they will consistently be top 10. Twix is always up there for me.

5. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 5
Record- 6-2

Milk Duds – They are a hard team to figure out because of the uncertainty surrounding Kirk Cousins against winning teams. For all intents and purposes, they are pretty damn good.

4. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 4
Record- 7-1

Skittles – Consistently good and always a fun team to watch.

3. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 3
Record- 7-0

Starburst – A lot of flavor to that team and a star studded team in the making.

2. New England Patriots
Last Week: 2
Record- 8-0

Milky Way – It doesn’t have the same appeal as a Snickers or maybe a Twix. But no matter what happens, you always find a lot of them in your basket. Some people like them. And then some people suck. Appreciate greatness damn it.

1. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Record- 7-1

Reese’s – A whole lot of flavor and a whole lot of good. No matter whether it is minis (Teddy Two Gloves) or full size PBCs (Drew Brees), it is THE best candy around. Don’t @ me either.

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