Disney+ has finally released and I am stoked! I have watched Bug Juice, Hannah Montana and Lizzie McGuire so far and it has been fantastic. In due time, the DCOMs will be watched. That being said, this week I will I be putting every NFL team matched with a DCOM or Disney Channel Original Show character.
32. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 29
Record- 0-9
Harold (Under Wraps) – Wrap them up. They’re dead.
31. New York Jets
Last Week: 32
Record- 2-7
Bug Juice – They just need to go to Camp Waziyatah and figure their shit out. They don’t get a character.
30. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 31
Record- 2-7
Eddie Ogden (Eddie’s Million Dollar Cook Off) – You guys can’t decide whether you’re tanking or going to be decent. Kind of like Eddie couldn’t decide between cooking or baseball.
29. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 30
Record- 1-8
Allie Thompson (The Ultimate Christmas Present) – Allie wanted a white Christmas and she got it when she founds Santa’s machine to create such events. You better find a machine that will help you generate a win or two.
28. New York Giants
Last Week: 23
Record- 2-8
Sean McGibbon (Phantom of the Megaplex) – Irrelevancy is a place you never want to find yourself and unfortunately, the Giants are there.
27. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 28
Record- 2-7
Alex (Wizards of Waverly Place) – These sons of bitches used some witchcraft last week to take down the Saints.
26. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 24
Record- 3-6-1
Scott (Up, Up and Away) – Kyler Murray has looked pretty damn good most weeks and the Cardinals, despite the record, have been fairly competitive. As they progress in the coming years, we will find out if they can make due with the powers they have or lose them forever.
25. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 27
Record- 3-6
Cody (Thirteenth Year) – Cody had some unexplainable things happening as he transitioned to merman around his 13th birthday. He was left fumbling for answers. Welcome to the John Elway era of Denver football.
24. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 26
Record- 3-6
Louis Stevens (Even Stevens) – You guys are a walking sign of trouble right now. 7 attempts from inside the 3 on one possession and you can’t score.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 25
Record- 3-6
Val (Brink) – Weekly Jameis hate post. He is just as deplorable.
22. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week: 21
Record- 4-6
Cory Matthews (Girl Meets World) – Sorry, the fire burned out last year. Repeating the same success just isn’t happening.
21. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 17
Record- 6-3
Andrea Carson (Motocrossed) – You dropped the second game in a row and sinking faster than Andrea did when she first started racing. Maybe you’ll get some love once you start winning.
20. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
Record- 4-5
Raven (That’s So Raven) – I bet they wished they could have seen the future before trading up for Mitchell Trubisky and his inconsistencies.
19. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 19
Record- 5-5
Hannah Montana (Hannah Montana) – They are balancing a double life of winning and losing. Some weeks they look good. Other weeks, not so good.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 18
Record- 4-5
Kyle (The Luck of the Irish) – The magic ran out on you with Gardner Minshew and with an inevitable return to Nick Foles, will you regain control of your season or sit on the shores of Lake Erie forever?
17. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 16
Record- 3-5-1
Alex (Full Court Miracle) – You’re going to need a damn miracle like Alex had in order to escape a tough division, especially with Matthew Stafford injured.
16. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 22
Record- 5-4
Troy Bolton (High School Musical) – Earlier in the season, they looked pretty bad. Here they are soarin and flyin back into the playoff picture.
15. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 15
Record- 5-4
Gordo (Lizzie McGuire) – Gordo never ended up with Lizzie in the show. There is a lot of uncertainty with how that eventually played out. Right now, the Panthers are dealing with similar uncertainty as they appear to be moving on from longtime quarterback Cam Newton.
14. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 14
Record- 5-4
Johnny Tsunami (Johnny Tsunami) – Kind of like Jon Gruden, both can guide you in the right direction with a mind full of wisdom and knowledge.
13. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 13
Record- 5-4
Jamie (Quints) – Large families make for good stories. Jamie was the oldest of 6 siblings and was a real game changer for that family. Well, Quentin Nelson has been a game changer for the Andrew Luck-less Colts. Never let anything distract you from the fact that he was the youngest of 39 cousins.
12. Los Angeles Rams
Last Week: 8
Record- 5-4
Wizard Kelly (Proud Family) – We will never figure out who the hell you actually are.
11. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 12
Record- 5-4
Pat (Smart House) – When working properly, you’re a serviceable team. When malfunctioning, you’re just disastrous.
10. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 11
Record- 5-4
Brett (Johnny Tsunami) – You’re just the snobby rich kid who sucks and is easy to hate. In the end, you’ll lose.
9. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 7
Record- 6-4
Zenon (Zenon Series) – I think most have faith that the Chiefs will rebound and figure it out. But right now, they are in some trouble.
8. Houston Texans
Last Week: 9
Record- 6-3
Andrew Carson (Motocrossed) – They have been battling some injury troubles this year, but have weathered the storm. When at full strength, pretty solid team here.
7. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 10
Record- 7-3
Lizzie McGuire (Lizzie McGuire) – Will they ever be the most popular team in the league? Probably not. But hey, they are still pretty damn good. Plus, Kirk Cousins finally got a W against a team with a winning record. Let them enjoy their moment kind of like Lizzie when she got to be a pop star that one time in Rome.
6. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 1
Record- 7-2
Will Browning/Twoie (The Other Me) – Based on the game against the Falcons, they must have had a clone team come in and just fuck everything up.
5. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 6
Record- 8-2
Alex Thompson (Alley Cats Strike) – For all intents and purposes, Aaron Rodgers looks like he came straight out of the 60s or 70s much like Alex Thompson. Difference is one is rocking outdated clothing, the other is rocking a porn stache. Both great at what they do.
4. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 5
Record- 8-2
Andy Brinker (Brink) – Calm, cool and collected. No matter the moment, Russell Wilson gets the job done.
3. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 2
Record- 8-1
Johnny Kapahaala (Johnny Tsunami) – New kid on the block and they are cool as hell.
2. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 4
Record- 7-2
Kim Possible (Kim Possible) – Right now, Lamar Jackson looks like a man on a mission to win ball games.
1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 3
Record- 8-1
Marnie (Halloween Town) – The Cromwell witch line was an unstoppable force. Sounds eerily familiar to the Patriots with Brady and Belichick.
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