Some of my favorite ideas come while embarking in journeys on the porcelain throne, welcome to the Week 12 Power Rankings. I can only assume you have seen Wedding Crashers. If you have not, bless your heart. For those who have, this one should be fun as I will give a crasher rule to every NFL team.
32. Cincinnati Bengals
Last Week: 32
Rule #20 Always Have an Early Appointment the Next Morning – Their next appointment is Joe Burrow so they’re mailed it in and aren’t sticking around.
31. Miami Dolphins
Last Week: 30
Rule #49 Always work into the conversation: “Yeah I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?” – You’re not fooling anyone Miami, I see what you’re doing hoarding the draft picks.
30. Washington Redskins
Last Week: 29
Rule #59 If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will yield. – The Washington Redskins weekly game plan chasing wins.
29. New York Giants
Last Week: 28
Rule #33 Never go back to your place. – To have two teams play in one stadium and both be dog shit has to mean something right?
28. New York Jets
Last Week: 31
Rule #60 No “chicken dancing.” No Exceptions. – Sums up their season of breaking that rule looking like idiots on more than one occasion.
27. Denver Broncos
Last Week: 25
Rule #84 Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder. – Someone really should tell John Elway this about the front office.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Last Week: 23
Rule #94 Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors. – Jameis should learn this so he doesn’t have to allegedly assault anymore Uber Drivers. (Weekly Jameis shade)
25. Los Angeles Chargers
Last Week: 22
Rule #51 – Always pull out in time. – Philip Rivers looks like he is in deep shit. The Chargers maybe didn’t apply Rule #51.
24. Chicago Bears
Last Week: 20
Rule #107 Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating. – Looking at you Mitchell Trubisky and Matt Nagy.
23. Atlanta Falcons
Last Week: 27
Rule #32 – Don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely sure they have a pulse. – Me picking the Falcons to go to the Super Bowl this year.
22. Cleveland Browns
Last Week: 24
Rule #12 When It Stops Being Fun, Break Something – Disappointing season for them and Myles Garrett certainly tried to break Mason Rudolph’s dome.
21. Arizona Cardinals
Last Week: 26
Rule #82 Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind. – The Cardinals found that with Kyler Murray who is keeping them in games and gives them a brighter future.
20. Jacksonville Jaguars
Last Week: 18
Rule #58 The Ferrari’s in the shop. – Why do you take Gardner Minshew from us damn it?!?!
19. Detroit Lions
Last Week: 17
Rule #13 Bridesmaids are desperate. Console them. – Someone needs to console the Lions. They have been competitive but always on the wrong side of the win/loss column. Plus they lost Stafford.
18. Pittsburgh Steelers
Last Week: 16
Rule #38 Never hit on the bride! It is a one way ticket to the pavement. – Hit the QB and get mauled by the offensive line. We learned that this week.
17. Tennessee Titans
Last Week: 19
Rule #43 At the service, sit in the fifth row. It’s close enough to the wedding party to seem like you’re an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row smells like crashing. – The Titans are sort of floating around the league with some up and down games. Just enough to notice they are there and very much in the hunt for the postseason.
16. Carolina Panthers
Last Week: 15
Rule #115 Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket. – Looking at you Carolina and Cam Newton.
15. Oakland Raiders
Last Week: 14
Rule #9 Whatever it takes to get in, get in. – Work that magic, Gruden. This team is filled with Gruden grinders. It is hard not to like them.
14. Houston Texans
Last Week: 8
Rule #91 Never dance to “What I Like About You.” It’s long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don’t dance to it. No matter how… – I think Texans forgot rule 91 playing against the Ravens this week. As a result, they got wiped clean.
13. Philadelphia Eagles
Last Week: 11
Rule #77 Carry Extra Protection. – The Eagles are banged up pretty bad right now as they head into crunch time for a wide open division.
12. Buffalo Bills
Last Week: 21
Rule #10 Invitations are for Pussies – The Bills Mafia are certainly not that and no one expected them to crash the playoff party but here they are in the mix.
11. Los Angeles Rams
Last Week: 12
Rule #74 In case of an emergency, refer to the rulebook. – The Rams better figure it out now before they find themselves out the playoffs.
10. Kansas City Chiefs
Last Week: 9
Rule #67 Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past. – The Chiefs won, but Patrick Mahomes didn’t put up stellar numbers. Is the injury still affecting him? Maybe.
9. Indianapolis Colts
Last Week: 13
Rule #56 Don’t fixate on one woman. Always have a backup. – They did with Jacoby Brissett as they are trying to sniff out the division and/or a playoff spot.
8. Dallas Cowboys
Last Week: 10
Rule #41 If there is a cash bar, bring your fake war medals. You’ll never have to buy a drink. – Good or bad, they move the needle. But the fans sure do love to remind us of the glory days in the 90s. Move on.
7. Minnesota Vikings
Last Week: 7
Rule #99 Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are the best. – That offense has many weapons. Tone it down and let the game come to you. You will find a way. Don’t go overboard with your run or pass game.
6. Green Bay Packers
Last Week: 5
Rule #7 Blend in by standing out. – They are good enough to always get the love and the wins, but they aren’t as sexy as some of the other teams.
5. New Orleans Saints
Last Week: 6
Rule #95 Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy. – The Saints are at their absolute best when they remained balanced. After Drew Brees and the offense came out flat against Atlanta, they got back to their winning ways and dominance against Tampa Bay. Keep it simple baby.
4. Seattle Seahawks
Last Week: 4
Rule #35 Breakfast is for closers. – Russell Wilson with four 4th Quarter Comebacks and 5 Game Winning Drives this season leading the league in both. Dude can have breakfast any day of the week.
3. San Francisco 49ers
Last Week: 3
Rule #112 Always Rawdog – Did you see the way Jimmy G flirted during a presser? Dude fucks.
2. Baltimore Ravens
Last Week: 2
Rule #76 No Excuses Play like a Champion – Hats off to Lamar Jackson who couldn’t throw an accurate pass to save his life last season. He said he would work hard in the offseason and it shows.
1. New England Patriots
Last Week: 1
Rule #3 Never Confess – I love the Patriots but this one was too funny to not use here for such scandals like Spygate and Deflategate.
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