Ultimate Fictional Baseball Team (Movies) with Simulated Results

In a recent video, you may have heard me say how much I hate baseball. It is more the state of baseball than anything else. Too many purists. It is outdated and the MLB sucks at pushing their stars. There is still a love for the sport itself somewhere buried deep. Although, it would probably take a lifetime to find it at this point when it comes to the real life version of baseball.

But, there is another version of love that will never die…movies.

One thing I love about baseball is baseball movies. Maybe more so than any other genre of sports movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love Remember The Titans and Draft Day. But, damn. The crop of baseball movies is just so complete from Major League, The Sandlot, Rookie of the Year, Angels in the Outfield, Hardball, 42, 61, Field of Dreams, Bad News Bears, Moneyball and probably a dozen others.

I have been in a baseball mood lately as I busted out MLB 2k12 recently. So I decided to write this to get my fix for baseball. Below, I have comprised my dream lineup of baseball movie superiority. I created them in the game and simulated an entire season. Below, I will give their stats and how the season finished.

Starting Lineup

CF – Willie Mays Hayes, Major League and II

Stats: .282, 13 HRs, 67 RBIs, 49 Stolen Bases
Rating (Progression) – 88 (88)

Favorite Quote: “Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.”

When he first joined the Indians, manager Lou Brown said he may run like Mays but he hits like shit. Eventually, he became the prototype lead off hitter after the insane amount of push-ups he was forced to do for putting the ball in the air. He is a track star on the base paths. He is a solid contact hitter. Although, the best part of his game is the fact that defenders somehow forget how to throw the ball to first base when he is running. Sometimes better lucky than good.

SS – Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez, The Sandlot

Stats: .305, 25 HRs, 99 RBIs, 48 Stolen Bases
Rating (Progression) – 96 (97)

Favorite Quote: “Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun you would’ve caught that ball.”

He may be the definitive GOAT of baseball movies. He is a legendary leader with a legendary game to go along with it. He is the heart and soul of my team. He reminds me of another great shortstop. #RE2PECT

1B – Clu Haywood, Major League

Stats: .282, 37 HRs, 115 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 98 (98)

Favorite Quote: “Going somewhere, meat?”

Clu is a mean son of a bitch. Both personality and play on the field. He puts the fear of God into opposing pitchers. He can absolutely tear the cover off the ball. I wouldn’t want another person hitting in the 3 hole for me.

DH – Jack Parkman, Major League II

Stats: .282, 38 HRs, 129 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 90 (91)

Favorite Quote: “I’d, uh, call it the masturbator.”

Speaking of villainous assholes, he makes Clu look like a nice guy. While Clu is more vicious with his play, Parkman is out to embarrass people in every part of the game. Let’s not forget his little shimmy he does when he steps to the plate, it makes the women in Cleveland puke.

RF – Pedro Cerrano, Major League, II and Back to the Minors

Stats: .289, 39 HRs, 109 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 86 (88)

Favorite Quote: “Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much.”

While there is no denying Cerrano is an interesting cat, there is also no denying when he is in his right state of mind, he can destroy the ball. Cerrano is easily my favorite baseball movie player by a mile. There was no way the follower of Jobu wasn’t making his way onto my roster.

LF – Kelly Leak, Bad News Bears

Stats: .252, 21 HRs, 76 RBIs, 31 Steals
Rating (Progression) – 85 (86)

Favorite Quote: “There’s nice ass at the field, that’s why I always hang around it.”

Kelly leak is not necessarily a villain. But, we will call him an anti-hero. He plays to the beat of his own drum. There is more than meets the eye to the 12-year-old biker and smoker. He took the dumpster fire that is the Bears and made them a better club.

3B – Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own

Stats: .243, 7 HRs, 66 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 86 (84)

Favorite Quote: (Looks up at scout)

Marla. Hooch. Hooch. Hooch. What a hitter. Her dad may have raised his little girl like a boy, but he shouldn’t beat himself up over it. She is one hell of a ball player. She’s got an eye like DiMaggio. She is a switch hitter who hits gap to gap and with plenty of power behind her swing.

C – Hamilton Porter, The Sandlot

Stats: .214, 11 HRs, 61 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 84 (82)

Favorite Quote: “You play ball like a girl!”

Like Cerrano, there is no debate of who my catcher would be. Ham is my goddamn spirit animal. I love an athlete who runs their mouth and will go for the jugular. With him behind the plate, you are sure to have an edge on your opponent because he won’t ever shut up. I am bringing professional wrestler The Great Hambino back to baseball where he belongs.

2B – Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears

Stats: .249, 4 HRs, 52 RBIs
Rating (Progression) – 67 (74)

Favorite Quote: “Hey Yankees… you can take your apology and your trophy and shove ’em straight up your ass!”

Speaking of shit talk. That is his best asset. He eventually becomes a decent fielder and hitter, but certainly leaves much to be desired on the diamond. He is a little shit head though and I like that. If there is ever a brawl, you know he will have his teammates back. Even if he thinks his teammate is a booger eating moron.

Pitching Staff

SP – Chet Steadman, Rookie of the Year

Stats: 11-6, 3.80 ERA, 159 Ks
Rating (Progression) – 89 (88)

Favorite Quote: Henry, don’t take this serious. But its nothing to joke about. But one day, your gift will be gone.

Gone are the days of him being “Rocket.” He certainly still has some magic left in the tank until his arm finally gives out. I intend to use all of what is left to hopefully get him a ring much like he got with the Cubs.

SP – Eddie Harris, Major League

Stats: 10-4, 3.50 ERA, 143 Ks
Rating (Progression) – 81 (82)

Favorite Quote: “You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

I would be lying if I told you I never put snot or bodily fluids on the baseball growing up. As the saying goes, it’s not cheating until you get caught. Even though he is using Crisco and Vagisil, I will take it with the wily veteran.

SP – Miles Penfield II, Hardball

Stats: 17-4, 2.27 ERA, 169 Ks
Rating (Progression) – 90 (91) 

Favorite Quote: *Waves Arms*

I would certainly fight to let him wear headphones so he can listen to Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G. When he enters that zone, he turns into a dominant force on the mound. Miles Penfield II is not to be fucked with. So call that man Big Poppa.

Relief – The Duke, Major League

Stats: 10-3, 3.33 ERA, 121 Ks, 24 Holds
Rating (Progression) – 93 (94)

Favorite Quote: *walks to mound*

Sometimes you need some nasty in your bullpen. The Duke is a total piece of shit who threw at his own kid in a father/son game. He is not afraid to go headhunting. As a result, fear makes him one of the most dominant relievers sports movies have to offer.

Closer – Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn, Major League and II

Stats: 1-9, 4.88 ERA, 80 K, 37 Saves, 6 Holds
Rating (Progression) – 92 (91)

Favorite Quote: “Oh! Why don’t you blow me ump!”

Was there really another option here? Wild Thing, you make my heart sing. Oh and Randy Quaid can go the fuck home. I don’t need your psychotic self yelling at my closer in the bullpen. Screw longevity Ricky, stick with ole number one, the Terminator.

Coaching Staff

Manager – Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own

Favorite Quote: “There’s no crying! There’s no crying in baseball!”

What is a coaching staff without a raging alcoholic? Every staff needs one. Jimmy Dugan is one of the wisest in baseball history. He once signed a baseball for a young fan and wrote “avoid the clap.” Sound advice from a brilliant man.

Hitting Coach – Lou Brown – Major League

Favorite Quote: “We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son.”

Just an overall great guy. If someone can rally the troops, it is Brown. He helped lead the Cleveland Indians to the playoffs despite that bitch of an owner Rachel Phelps tanking so she could move.

Pitching Coach – Morris Buttermaker, Bad News Bears

Favorite Quote: “Now get back to the stands before I shave off half your mustache and shove it up your left nostril.”

I don’t play by the rules so I needed another alky on the coaching staff. Why not bring another rager in Morris Buttermaker? He can certainly bring some experience as he once struck out Ted Williams. On top of that, if we need free agents, he is your guy. He brought Amanda Whurlitzer out of retirement. He also is responsible for the signing of Kelly Leak to the Bears.

Strength and Conditioning Coach – Phil Brickma, Rookie of the Year

Favorite Quote: “Hey, your mom has a pretty good arm! I ain’t seen the floater pitch since Scuffy McGee!”

There is only one man for the job here. He is an innovator. Brickma invented the perfect balance for recovery, HOT ICE!

Season Results (Played as Oakland)

Record: 98-64
Finish: World Series Champions (11-3 Record)
Average Leader: Rodriguez (.305)
Home Run Leader: Cerrano (39)
RBI Leader: Parkman (129)
Stolen Base Leader: Rodriguez (49)
Wins Leader: Penfield II (17)
Ks Leader: Penfield II (169)
ERA Leader: Penfield II (2.27)
All Stars: Miles Penfield II, Jack Parkman, Clu Heywood, Benny Rodriguez, Pedro Cerrano, Ricky Vaughn
Gold Gloves: Porter, Heywood
Silver Sluggers: Parkman (DH), Heywood (1B), Rodriguez (SS), Cerrano (OF)

Other Notables:

  • Best Record in MLB
  • Parkman Wins AL MVP
  • Leak Wins AL Rookie
  • Heywood World Series MVP
  • Rodriguez finished 10th in AL in BA
  • Mays Hayes Led AL in Triples
  • Cerrano, Parkman and Heywood Finished Top 10 AL in HRs
  • Cerrano, Parkman and Heywood Finished Top 10 MLB RBIs
  • Mays Hayes Led MLB in Runs Scored
  • Rodriguez and Mays Hayes Finished Top 5 MLB in Stolen Bases
  • Penfield II Finished 2nd MLB in Wins
  • Penfield II Led MLB in ERA
  • Led League in Steals as Team

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