Fantasy Football: Dirty Dozen Commissioner Address 2020 (Mature Audiences Only)

Here’s one fact, there are more cases of Bubonic Plague in China than wins I had last year. That was stated recently in my fantasy football group me. We are heading into year five and my Jeff Fisher swag of 6-6 finally turned into shit.

I ended up as league Sacko last season after a 3-9 record. I am now 21-27 all time. It sucks. I am tired of losing. I start every fantasy season with an address to my league. I usually call out everyone in the league in some form to ensure they see it. No names will be posted here. Here’s what 2020 said…

Welcome to hopefully fantasy football 2020. Fucking Covid. 

As your SACKO commissioner of the league (fuck my life), here is my annual address to you cum guzzling morons. It’s not worse than SACKO, believe me. _____ knows.

Before diving into rule changes, let’s introduce the two newest members of the dirty dozen. Let that be a lesson to all of you. Looking at you ________. 

We do not tolerate silence in this league. As per discussion among the Illuminati of the league, ______ and ______ are no longer with us. Their teams have been laid to rest. 

Taking their place is ______, who some of you may know as captain spreadsheet. Yes, he showed up the first year with a goddamn spread sheet. He ended up winning. As alluded to, the deep state probed him and found evidence that he in fact was in possession of Grays Sports Almanac. Fucking douche. 

Second is _____. He is still learning the technology as he just learned about the internet. Once a psychopath, he is now a humanitarian. 

As for league rule changes…

There are no changes to scoring this year. However, playoff seeding has been changed accordingly. More specifically, the SACKO ladder. 

11th and 12th automatically get byes, one game closer to SACKO-town. 

7v10
8v9

Highest seeded winner gets 12th place opponent. Lowest seeded gets 11th place. Similar to NFL playoffs. That becomes the SACKO semis. 

As per usual, $100 entry fee. Payouts are accordingly…

1st – $800
2nd – $300
3rd – $100
Most Points – $100

Low Score of the Week – $5 Fee
12th Place – $20 Fee
SACKO – $20 Fee

This year’s draft is TBD (fuck you Covid).

For the love of God, set your fucking lineups. Looking at you _______. 

As for the rest of you, drown in your sorrows. SACKO season begins as the Phoenix rises from the ashes. Here’s to more smirnoffs at this year’s draft. _______, don’t make out with any dogs and bring some beer, please. Pansy.

_______ it still sucks (referring to Baseball).
_______ use your list accordingly. 
_______ keep checking privileges. 
_______ I don’t even fucking know. 

I forgot about _______ in my address but who cares. Unless it’s political or about Lat Murray, he’s pretty much useless anyway.

Determining Draft Order

One of my favorite restaurants is Fat Boy’s Pizza. Every year, we try to be creative in how we determine the draft order. This year, we planned on having the draft there. We were going to determine our draft order by channeling our inner GOAT, Joey Chestnut and take the 2-foot challenge. The order in which we finished the monstrosity of a pizza, we would then pick where we wanted to draft accordingly.

This is one of my favorite parts of draft day. The last four years we have done the following…

  • Whiffle Ball Home Run Derby
  • World Cup Teams
  • Beer Pong Mini Game
  • Laser Tag

Good news is, to-go is an option. So we may be doing that via Zoom. There is just so much uncertainty with this year’s draft, much like everything else right now.

I Need To Win

I have one playoff appearance in four seasons. I was outed quickly and swiftly. It sucks. I need to find some mojo again. I alluded to Smirnoffs in the address. Here is the backstory on that…

One of the running jokes of my league is when I was iced 7 times before round 10. I chugged 7 of those awful drinks in less than an hour and a half. I puked 4 times that night. Not because I was drunk, because my body reacting to inevitable diabeetus.

One of our draft rules is if you take an Alabama player or Atlanta Falcon, you get iced. In 2018, I took the following…

  • Julio Jones – (2)
  • Mark Ingram
  • Calvin Ridley – (2)
  • Tevin Coleman
  • Matt Ryan

I was completely shit on for having so many Falcons. I usually take someone if they are there. I don’t care about bye weeks or who is on what team. I can always trade if need be. The ironic part is, that team is the only one I made the playoffs with.

By this point of the off-season, I am usually balls deep in watching The League. I still intend to watch, but I discovered that I started the tradition the year I started this league. Here I am, still sucking.

I finally bottomed out last year. It hurt. Now, I have to wear a disgusting old t-shirt on draft day that has never been washed. In fact, one person in our league (last year’s SACKO), spit dip in the pocket. I am sure it smells like someone took a shit in a sock, dipped it in after birth and then fed it to Big Foot who shat it out.

If we do the 2 Foot Challenge, good news is next year’s SACKO will have my sweat and pizza stains to wear.

Here it goes. Another year of anxiety, stress, emotional highs and lows in search of the coveted Dirty Dozen championship. No one has won twice. Hopefully that trend continues and I, Michael Hotard, pop my Dirty Dozen cherry. I want my belt back.

SHIVAKAMINI SOMAKANDARKRAM

As always in regards to fantasy football…

“There are many things a man can do with his time. But this is better than those things. -Pete Eckhart” – Michael Hotard

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