As per suggested during another edition of give me a column because writers block sucks, I will be putting together a dream wrestling card with a twist. This card will feature political people. In the column, I will include matches, stipulations and winners with a brief synopsis on my reasoning and who wins.
Loser Leaves Politics Match – Mitch McConnel v Nancy Pelosi
We open the show with two people who despise each other. After McConnel attempted to filibuster most of the match by rolling to the outside, Pelosi made a grave mistake by hitting McConnel with a chair ending the match in a DQ, giving the win to Mitch.
Winner: McConnel by DQ
Viagra Ladder Match – Bill Clinton v John F. Kennedy
After a long build to this one, these two are battling for Viagra which hangs 20 feet above the ring in a briefcase. It was a long, hard battle that never seemed to end. This one really got the crowd standing straight up. After alleged affairs with Marilyn Monroe and Monica Lewinsky, these two are battling for the ultimate power to go all night long. Midway through the contest, Hilary appears from the crowd scaring the shit out of Bill. That led to JFK using his finisher (The Bay of Pigs) and getting an easy climb to the briefcase being the ultimate winner of the oral office.
Winner: JFK
Arm Wrestling Match – Arnold Schwarzenegger v Jesse Ventura
In one of the only matches that finished clean on the night, Arnold was able to take it to The Body and make quick work of him. After the match, the two shared a great moment quoting all of Arnold’s best movies including Kindergarten Cop. They even discussed Ventura’s forgettable role as White Lightning in some movie featuring Willie Mays Hayes as well.
Winner: Arnold (But really, everyone)
Mixed Tag Team Match – Joe Biden and Kamala Harris v Donald Trump and Mystery Partner
After Kamala Harris was announced as Biden’s running mate, Trump had to find a new tag partner for the match to even it out. Trump tried to hide the identity of his partner in order to get an edge. As Biden and Harris stood in the ring, Trump’s music hits and he comes down to the entrance. He says some bullshit that most people didn’t listen to about Biden and Harris cheating. Of course his fans went crazy. It was then that Candace Owens appeared behind him as his tag partner. Biden and Harris controlled the majority of the match until Trump distracted the referee allowing Mike Pence to come in and low blow Biden. Harris hits Pence with her patented Bar Exam. Owens then nails Harris with reverse racism. Trump goes for the cover on Biden and the president elect kicks out at 2. While Trump yelled at the ref it should have been 3, Biden rolls up Trump for the 1-2-3 as Trump clearly had too much Burger King and was inevitably too fat to kick out.
Winner: Biden / Harris
After the match, many Republicans led by Mitt Romney surrounded the ring as Biden and Harris stood victorious. By this point, Trump begins to rise to his feet joined by Owens and Pence. Outnumbered, Biden and Harris realize they have nowhere to go until Romney storms the ring with the others attacking Trump, Owens and Pence.
Beat the Clock Match – Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X v Politicians in the KKK
In a surprise match on the card, MLK and Malcolm X came to the ring with a message, but were quickly interrupted by David Duke who announced he had a challenge for them. He wasn’t alone. He along with his other racist asshole friends get demolished in a beat the clock challenge. Remember when DX used to run through the spirit squad? Yeah, that’s basically what happened.
Winner: MLK and Malcolm X
Street Fight – Antifa v Alt Right
In the highly anticipated main event, members of the Alt Right and Antifa battled in a hardcore showing pulling out all the stops. There were tables, ladders, chairs (OH MY!), sledgehammers, thumbtacks, barbed wire bats, etc. It was a real blood bath. As the alt right looked to have Antifa defeated with only a few members left standing in the ring, the lights in the arena go out.
BOOOOOM! Fire explodes from the entrance and HOLY SHIT! THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE!
Glen Jacobs appears at the entrance in the form of Kane. He comes to the ring and runs roughshod on everyone in the ring. He chokeslams everyone in his path. The Republican Mayor of Knox County stands with pile of bodies sprawled out in the ring.
Winner: No Contest…but really, everybody.
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