Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. For someone moving to a new city, starting a new job and making major life changes, that is not what you want to happen.

I recently moved to the great state of Georgia, just south of Atlanta. I wish I could say the move has been smooth. I wish I could say all things have gone according to plan. Apparently I am not alone in this. Multiple people have told me when they picked up their life and moved to another state that Murphy’s Law came full swing.

Fingers crossed and knock on wood, I finally found my footing.

Keeping up with the timeline, we moved back in October so it has only been roughly 4 months being here. Despite all the dumb shit that has happened, it feels like home and I absolutely love being near Atlanta.

We moved in with my in-laws to save money in order to purchase a home here. I am currently basement dwelling (insert obvious joke). The basement layout isn’t terrible, but it is certainly a change of pace that took getting used to having two children. We have a giant living space with our TV and playroom. Additionally, we have a full bath and another larger room which is where the gremlins sleep. It certainly isn’t the worst set up in the world for a family of 4, but also not ideal. That being said, I am still grateful and have become accustomed to the new living situation.

Shortly after moving in, my wife and I made a dumb decision that I will not disclose causing our plumbing to back up leaving the entire house without water usage for a couple of days. That was the first big “oh shit (literally)” moment of bad things happening. You live and you learn.

I noticed the toilet not flushing properly so we stopped using the downstairs plumbing. Then one night after bathing one of my kids upstairs, I came down to a flooded bathroom and a tub filled with sewage. It smelled and looked delightful as you can imagine. You remember the scene in Meet the Parents where the plumbing backed up and someone asked what the smell was? Robert De Niro replied “THAT SMELL IS OUR SHIT.” That’s how I felt.

For several days, I was forced to bathe by using body wipes and dry shampoo. When it comes to cleanliness and hygiene, I absolutely hate going to bed without showering. On top of that, I had to pour water in a cup and brush my teeth outside in the morning so I had a place to spit and rinse off. My backyard also became my own personal bathroom to piss. In the event of taking a shit, that was reserved for the gas station down the street. That was a very fun 2-3 days. Luckily, my in laws got that fixed somewhat quickly.

Then the placeholder job I accepted until I found something more permanent (which I believe I did, thank God). I won’t dog the actual job too bad because I knew what I was getting into. It’s not ideal for a 29-year-old with two kids because the pay was hot garbage and the hours were absurd. On top of that, I was paying about $300 each month for gas and parking. Ooooof.

I pretty much got put on the shit list immediately. I told the recruiter up front that I had a vacation (Disney, duhhh) planned for November, about a month after starting. She said she would relay that to them before I even received a job offer. Apparently, it was never relayed. So when I took unpaid time off, it was no biggie. But, it was definitely noticed.

Then I sat in traffic for 5 hours one day getting to work after the interstate shut down. So I missed nearly a half day of work. My boss was understanding because I wasn’t the only one who got stuck. I would’ve probably sat longer had I not jumped behind an ambulance driving on the shoulder. Traffic was so bad that it took that ambulance 35 minutes to go 2 miles. It was wild. So here I was late to work, walking in at 11:30 am.

Then I got my second strike at work after not knowing I was even on strike one. We needed to hit a certain number of calls each week. It was new year, so it was a short week. I took a ton of inbound calls and didn’t pay much attention to the outbound calls because all the other metrics were ok or so I thought. My boss called me in and was cool about it saying I was on strike two. I just thought “oh, odd. Didn’t know I was on one.” I wasn’t worried because I knew what needed to be done to stay afloat.

I got sick twice after this happened. The first time I had a cold and texted my boss asking whether or not to come in because you know, we’re in the middle of a fucking pandemic and all. I was basically given the classic it’s up to you, but not really up to you line. I went in and drugged up on Mucinex and Dayquil. Then shortly after I caught a stomach bug from my son. I was up 830pm to 5am one night vomiting on and off. Naturally, I called out the next day and slept most of the day.

Things began getting sour after I took off for a wedding in January on vacation days I had accrued. Apparently using earned vacation days was frowned upon. Comments were made in passing about taking off. I just laughed them off.

While I was in town for that friend’s wedding, I found out another friend was getting married next month. I also stood in that wedding. We had a tux fitting and I said it was odd we are getting fitted so far in advance thinking the wedding was 2022. My friend looked at me stupid and said “dude, it’s next month.” I believe my response was “oh shit…well…I guess I might get fired.” I dreaded telling work I needed off again.

Shortly after the first wedding, I missed a half day when I totaled my car. That was a fun day. I was driving on I-85 heading to work when I hydroplaned and spun across 4 lanes striking a tree. As soon as I felt the back start fishtailing, I just thought “well this isn’t fucking good.” Then I started spinning as I wrapped my ass around the tree, which is still laying on the ground to this day. I laughed every time I passed it from that day forward.

I got out of the car after catching my breath from the seatbelt knocking the wind out of me. There was a pilot on the other side of the road who stopped to make sure I was ok and was kind enough to call the police for me. Thanks to whoever you are. I called my mother in law to get a ride and then my insurance agent to get the wheels in motion for that fun process.

After getting the pictures, I immediately texted my boss to let him know I was in an accident. Once again, he was cool about it. But, I also knew at this point that these things kept happening. For someone who doesn’t like to miss work, I just felt helpless.

The police ended up coming and the officer made a joke because there were 3 or 4 bottles of corona on the side of the road. He just looked at those and jokingly said “these must be yours.” He called the lot where the car would be impounded and brought me there. Then my mother in law helped me get all the shit I needed from my car and brought me to work. I didn’t feel great, but I also didn’t want to spend money on a hospital visit nor miss anymore work. I didn’t feel bad enough to need medical attention. Luckily, one of my coworkers lived near me so she gave me a ride home on multiple occasions through the rental process for a vehicle, until we were able to buy a new vehicle. That vehicle ultimately went to my wife…damn it.

Literally the first weekend I took my wife’s old car, a fucking drill bit goes into my tire coming home from work. So I bought a new tire of the car obviously.

In the meantime, I know I still have a wedding to take off for that I am sure I will catch shit for. After talking with the boss on the account I worked under about the wedding, he was cool with it and suggested on how to approach it. I followed that advice. I put in the request for the unpaid time off. It was approved by the next person up the ladder who called me in to ask about it. I explained the situation. He just asked if I had anything else coming up. That was on a Wednesday.

On Thursday, I received a call about about a job I applied for. I was told I was overqualified for the position, but my resume would be held as something was anticipated to open up soon. I quickly interjected saying I am willing to take less for now if it means better things in the future knowing I could finally move on from a job I didn’t enjoy. We had a great conversation which led to a follow up interview. Maybe this is the turning of the corner.

On Friday, I get called into the office manager’s office about my unpaid time off. It was ultimately rejected by him. I was told “you’re just a (job title), you haven’t earned.” I just thought to myself “oh cool, I am not worthy enough to not get paid for time off. Got it.” I then clarified with him whether or not I was good for the wedding. He said no and I quote “call your family and tell them you won’t be there.”

In my head, I am thinking well, yes I am because I can leave Friday after work and come back Sunday. I am also thinking that my family doesn’t have shit to do with this wedding, but sure. Weird flex, but ok.

That weekend, I was all aggravated and hoping something transpired with the interview. Luckily for me, it did. I received a call that Tuesday offering me the position, which I accepted.

Normally, I am one who gives two weeks minimum. I accepted the position to start the following Tuesday once I returned from the wedding. I knew if I put two weeks, I would be told to take a hike. I then sat on it until Thursday where I planned to resign. I did just that while burning it down just a little bit.

There’s plenty I can handle. I was roasted at my old job on more than one occasion. For those who read this and know me, I 100% brought the attention on myself. I did stand up the first day of work and dropped a 28-3 Super Bowl joke. I am always down for a little banter, but the call your family comment didn’t sit well with me.

I went in that Thursday with a few people at work knowing it’s my last day. The team chat for my sales team was blowing up with some good ole fashioned roasting. I jumped in. It quickly turned on me as people began making fun of my baldness. My boss actually posted a gif of Meredith from The Office saying “Hotard walking in to a room like…”

I got a good laugh from it. I responded saying “so does this make me the office slut? Fuck it.” Then someone responded with another gif regarding my baldness…

Then someone else responded with a gif of Creed from The Office where he has the spiked hair saying it was me. So I responded saying “Am I the office slut or the old guy? Fuck. I need some closure.”

That was when I was told something about my cursing in the group. Because you know, HR can see this shit. The office manager said “Bro what are you” referring to me. I proceeded to post the Moses Jesus Golf Joke from The Newsroom.

“Moses and Jesus are playing golf. Moses steps up to the tee and hits a beautiful shot 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. Jesus steps up to the tee and hooks the ball into the trees. Jesus looks up into the heavens, raises his arms, and suddenly the sky darkens. A thunder clap rings out, rain pours down, and a stream rises among the trees. The golf ball floating on top finds its way into the mouth of a fish. Then a bird flies down and takes the fish and the ball out over the green, drops it in the cup for a hole-in-one. Jesus turns to Moses with a satisfied grin, and Moses says, ‘Look. You wanna play golf or you wanna fuck around?”

I was then kicked out of the group chat. Then I informed my bosses I quit. I told the office manager what he said isn’t exactly a great approach to employees. He got defensive and tried talking about the team chat. I just thought to myself “you that arrogant huh?” I just said that I knew I was leaving and I knew what I posted. It still doesn’t negate the fact what you said to me probably wouldn’t go over well with HR.

He texted me shortly after I left asking for a resignation email. I replied asking if I could include the Moses Jesus golf joke. I let him stew on that before confirming his email and then he tried to play it off like he thought it was funny. Good times.

After the last few months of everything feeling like it was going wrong, things are finally turning around.

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