Upon scrolling through the pits of social media, I saw someone post something that asked “what is the dumbest thing you got in trouble for in school?” To be honest, I thought it was a pretty funny thread. I figured I would take a trip down memory lane talking about some of the incidents that happened to me in school for the years I can remember.

Last year, I wrote a letter to my high school self diving down memory lane. Sharing some of those thoughts, I was never very popular. I always wondered where I fit in. I tried to be a clown at times, but it never really stuck.

Some of the first memories I can think of before even diving into this column play into something I have discovered myself within the last 7-8 years, I really don’t care about repercussions for the things I say at times. I have been told on more than one occasion that I go from 0-100 quicker than I should sometimes. Those moments came far and few between in school. They were certainly there though.

Although some of these incidents weren’t necessarily dumb and I 100% deserved punishment for some, still funny to think about and recollect. No names will be mentioned although I remember the name of every single person I am about to talk about.

Kindergarten – I Gotta Pee

When I was in Kindergarten, we were on a bathroom break. One of the kids in my class decided he wanted to stand in the way of the urinal. I asked him to move. After he laughed and said no, I proceeded to unzip my jeans and I hosed that kid down. Because fuck you, get out of my way when I am trying to take a piss. He ran out of the bathroom and grabbed the teacher. At which point, I got in trouble because apparently peeing on him was not an appropriate response to that situation. I stand by it though.

I wish I could say the story ended there, but it didn’t. I was sent home with a note to my parents. When I got home, I just threw it under my dresser thinking I won’t tell them. My mom ended up finding the note under the dresser and blindsided me asking why I had to go to the principal’s office. 5-year-old me thought a good response to that question was “to learn.” That ended well for me.

1st Grade – Wait, You Can’t Do That?

Despite my love for writing, I was not able to read or write very well heading into first grade. The first test I ever took in 1st grade was a spelling test. My teacher read a word that I didn’t know how to spell. I decided to just pull out my notebook all willy nilly. I didn’t realize you couldn’t do that for a test. My test was taken and ripped up. I just sat there dumbfounded at what happened. I literally had no idea what the fuck was going on.

The teacher used to work with my mom so she called her and wondered what to do because she felt bad. My mom told her to fail me. What an asshole, right? Just kidding mom. Love you. I ended up getting a retake.

4th Grade – Don’t Say That

This was the first of many detentions I had received. I honestly don’t remember the context or what was said to me. I just remember one of the girls in my class saying something to me in the morning. My response was to say “well you should take off your mask.” The poor girl cried. Whatever was said couldn’t have possibly been that bad.

At the end of the day, we were coming back to our class from religion. There it was on my desk. I just thought to myself, “well, fuck.” Yes I did curse to myself and with my friends at that age. The detention read “telling another student to ‘take off her mask.” Oooooof.

5th Grade – I Bit My Lip

At PE, we were playing basketball. Me and one of the guy’s in my class who I didn’t like very much were getting chippy. I throw an elbow at him when I had the ball and he threw a haymaker and drilled me in the mouth. I fell to the floor and my lip was bleeding. The coach runs over and then brings us to the office. When the principal asked what happened, I didn’t want him to get in trouble because it was mutual so I said I bit my lip. We got off. He ended up being one of my best friends from that point until I left the school.

6th Grade – Nose Pickers Make Me Sicker

We had a science project. Actually, it was one of my favorite projects that I have had. We had to a build a catapult and then test them in class. We got 2nd place on some bullshit. Should’ve been 1st. Still bitter about it.

Anyway, when partners were being announced, my teacher announced one of the dudes in my class. He picked his nose on the regular. Poor dude used to catch a lot of shit for it. After she announced he and his partner, I loudly said “great, now he has a launching device for his treasure chest.” I’m sorry that comment still makes me laugh and I don’t care.

I got called to the principal’s office the next week. I completely denied it ever happened and told her and I quote “I haven’t even made fun of that dude in like two weeks.” That didn’t go over well as you can imagine. She basically told me stop being an asshole.

6th Grade – You Should Be More Specific

Although this wasn’t technically a school thing, it started from a school thing. I forgot to do an English assignment. When my parents arrived to pick me up, my teacher walked me to the car. All I thought was “fuck, he’s going to say something.” He did.

When I got home, my mom told me to give her the “Nintendo” because I was grounded. I proceeded to give her my Nintendo 64 because neither of my parents knew the difference. Meanwhile, my Playstation 2 remained hooked up to my TV. The next day my dad caught me playing the PS2 and said “I thought your mom took away your Nintendo.” I said “she did.” He asked what I was doing and I said “well, playing Playstation.” I am pretty sure he left the room laughing. My mom comes back in and demands I give her the PS2. I did. I decided to be ballsy and say “can I have the Nintendo back then?”

I didn’t get it back.

7th Grade – Cut Your Hair

Hard to believe I used to sport long hair these days. My hairflow was strong as fuck though. I got a math problem wrong on the board and while walking back to my desk my teacher said something about that and then told me to cut my hair. I responded with “haha how about no.” I then walked my happy ass down to the office to grab a detention.

There were athletes in my class with longer hair than me. After I was told to get a detention, I told my teacher that I didn’t even have the longest hair in the class (100% meant out of the other guys). I proceeded to be a bigger smart ass when questioned about that and point to one of the girls and said “what about her?”

7th Grade – Which One of You Idiots Knows Better?

We had crawfish day every year. It was a weekend event where parents, students and everyone was invited. I was wrestling with one of my friends on the football practice field. One of the administrators/teachers/coaches comes out there very ornery, as per usual. For the record, it was my 7th grade math teacher’s dad. CONSPIRACY!

He comes up and asks “which one of you two idiots knows better?” I looked at him sideways just dumbfounded. I didn’t realize we were doing something wrong. I just said, “we are just wrestling.” He told us to act our age. I told him I was 12 so I think I am. He kicked us off the field and told us grow up.

8th Grade – Foul Ball Duty

I made the baseball team in 8th grade. I realized it wasn’t going to go well when they took my name down and one of the assistants said “he’s no second baseman.” Never even seen that coach before in my life until that day. Let the record show, for a guy who probably hadn’t seen his dick in 15 years, he probably shouldn’t be judging based on appearance. That sounds harsh, but I hated him.

We were about halfway through the season. We were batting and there was foul ball that found the street and rolled way the hell down there. I had been shagging balls all year. When the head coach said “Hotard, hop on that,” I told him “I really feel like it’s in the best interest of the team that someone else grab that.” He then told me I would never play with that kind of attitude. I said “well coach, we’re halfway through the season and I have 6 innings and one plate appearance, I really don’t think that foul ball can hurt me any more.”

I never saw the field again.

10th Grade – Am I Really Going To Jail for This?

Shit gets real for high school football playoffs. My school was in round one of the playoffs. There was a sign on the other side saying to beat us. I told someone we should rip it down once the clock officially hits zero in the 4th. We went over there. I wish I could say discreetly, but I was painted up. Naturally, we were getting all kinds of looks. We tore down the sign. I mean, it was our home-field.

A police officer called us down. I was scared shitless pretty much saying this to myself…

We didn’t get cuffed. But, we were brought to the principal as I felt like everyone was staring. After the police walked away, she just said “can y’all just come help clean the stadium tomorrow?” Her demeanor screamed, “I really don’t care.” Take that deal all day.

11th Grade – Asshole

My math teacher had us do a series of problems before each class. No one ever took them seriously and people copied answers all the time. One time, I didn’t understand how to do it so I asked for help. I didn’t even copy the answer. I actually did the problem myself. My teacher decided to call me out saying I was a cheater. I was blown away honestly. I shouted at him to not call me out like that. I was sent to in-school detention without any work. When I got there, they asked why I didn’t have any work and told them my teacher didn’t give me any. They asked who I was in class with. Told them and the monitor told me go back and get something. She literally rolled her eyes when she heard who it was. That teacher frequently did this.

I go back and ask for work. He refused to look at me and berated me again. I slammed the door on my way out and said, “you’re such an asshole.”

I went back after school to apologize for calling him an asshole in front of the class. He didn’t want to hear that and was acting belligerent to where I couldn’t even apologize. I just laughed at him and called him a piece of shit after that. I watched him storm to the office.

Parent teacher conferences were had and that solved nothing after he was an asshole to my parents as well.

11th Grade – Detention Date

My wife and I were in Spanish II. She and a friend got a lunch detention for talking. She and I had the same lunch break and always ate together. Each day we conjugated verbs on the board. I was up there doing my conjugations and intentionally put the wrong words knowing my teacher would call me out (not in a demeaning way). I had been told something about my cursing in class earlier that week. When she called me out, I screamed “awwww shit.” She had me grab a detention slip off her desk.

I walked by my wife’s desk and said I’ll see you in detention winking at her. Smoothest play of my life by far.

12th Grade – I’m not doing it

I ended up missing 6-7 days of the last 10 days of my senior year. After getting back from Disney World for senior trip, my grandma passed away from lung cancer. I was pretty torn up by it and just didn’t feel like going anywhere.

I get back to school and I had one teacher who wanted me to make up all the work in 2.5 days basically. I had all my credits I needed to graduate. Naturally, there was no way I was doing it. I had to sign a sheet of paper saying I wasn’t doing it. It was sent to the office. I was called in shortly after by the assistant principal. She was not happy about it. She was snarky about missing asking what business I had missing that much school? I told her sorry my grandma dying is an inconvenience for you. She asked if I had enough credits to graduate. I said yes. She asked if my parents knew I was refusing to do my work. I said yes.

She made me call my mom and tell her I was refusing to do my work. I dialed my mom and I literally said “Hey mom, remember that work I told you I am refusing to do? My assistant principal wanted me to call you and tell you that again so here we are.” It was awkward and then we hung up. For the record, my mom didn’t support my decision, but she just lost her mom. I was graduating regardless.

I just looked at my assistant principal after and asked “are we good here or do I need to call my dad too?” I was let go.

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