Unapologetically Me

The Convoluted Mess of Fantasy Football

Well happy freaking Monday. While I have already written (missing as of late) the Not So Monday Morning Thoughts and waiting for MNF to finish up, I decided to write about one of my favorite activities in the world.

Fantasy Fucking Football.

I mean there is just nothing like imposing your will on your friends and basking in the glory that can come with it. Nothing screams friends like a dozen assholes talking shit for half the year about who drafted the best team.

Sure, it’s silly and trivial. But who cares? It is so much fun. The weekly stress that comes with it. The hours thinking of creative trades to make your team better. It’s all just absolutely glorious. This year (knock on wood), I have felt like I am in a time warp. There was a time where I won relatively every league. To be fair, a third of the leagues usually didn’t give a shit once they were out. In 2015, I created the Dirty Dozen. I picked people I knew would be invested, draft smart and make it competitive. Maybe a little too competitive. Just kidding. It was absolutely by design.

We have 19 roster spots, FA auction, 2 flexes, an IDP, half point PPR and .25 for return yards. Low score each week pays a $5 penalty at the end of the year. Last place in regular season pays a $20 penalty. Sacko pays a $20 penalty. Those “suck fees,” as we call them, go to the pocket of the person with the most points for the regular season. It has just made for such a fun league.

While I have other leagues I have won and enjoy, nothing compares to the Dirty Dozen. Goddamnit, I want to win this one so bad.

Two years ago, I fell into uncharted waters. I was blessed being the league’s sacko. I made a video about it that is still probably the single greatest video I have ever made…

Watch here: Life of a Sacko: The Michael Hotard Story

I caught so much shit including one of my best friends using a smoke bomb on New Year’s Ever to write SACKO in my driveway. It’s all part of the fun. That friend also may be the first to take home back to back sackos (fingers crossed).

There comes a certain level of disrespect among your league as a commissioner. When you throw in the fact that I run my mouth more than anyone in the league and fill the role of being a total heel, the clap back at me intensifies. To say I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion would be an understatement. But, I live by the rule of talk shit always, not just when you’re on top. There is nothing worse than the guy who only says shit when things are going good. That takes no testicular fortitude.

Here I sit on Sunday night writing this knowing that I will take home the most points bonus and the 1st seed with a 10-4 record. That’s obviously awesome. But it won’t mean shit unless I can take home the belt. While I dream of the day and hope it becomes a reality, the convoluted mess this league always is in the final week is insane.

For example, I once beat the second seed knocking him out of the 6 team playoff completely. He then turned around the next year and beat me knocking me out. There are usually anywhere between 8 to 10 teams who can jump from 1 to 8 or vice versa. This year is no different…

The only thing for sure is me having the 1 seed. Everything else is up in the air. We have 4 teams at 8-5 and 4 teams at 7-6 for the final week of the season. While two of them are pretty much out, the remaining six are competing for the final 5 playoff spots with half of them being definitely in.

The Dirty Dozen is about get even dirtier. Let’s fucking go.

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