Unapologetically Me

Mock Draft 2.0 (Fictional Football Players)

It’s an oldie, but goodie. This is the Mock Draft 2.0 with a twist…we are drafting fictional players. I will include trades in this one and give a short breakdown with a draft grade.

  1. Carolina Panthers – QB Shane Falco (The Replacements)
    Analysis: The Panthers traded up to get their guy. Given the miles and miles of heart, this is certainly a safe bet to build a franchise around. Grade: A+
  2. Houston Texans – QB Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass (Remember the Titans)
    Analysis: While we are happy to see he is thankful that Rev taught him the veer, there are other QBs on the board here who may have been a bit safer. He’s a smart kid. Very level headed and makes quick decisions. Not a bad start to the Demeco Ryans regime. Grade: B+
  3. (AZ TRADES) Atlanta Falcons – QB Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
    Analysis: When you know your guy, be aggressive and get him. The Falcons did just that with Beamen. He’s going to bring some attitude to ATL. Grade: A-
  4. Indianapolis Colts – QB Paul Crewe (The Longest Yard)
    Analysis: Leave it up to Jim Irsay to take a point shaver. But I guess it’s better than a past their prime vet on 1 year flyer. Grade: C-
  5. Seattle Seahawks – LB Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)
    Analysis: We aren’t sure whether he will arrive in Seattle via airboat or lawn mower, but we do know Seattle just hit the jackpot. They finally have a pass rush considering he holds the NCAA record for sacks in a game with 16. Grade: A+
  6. Detroit Lions – RB Al Bundy (Married with Children)
    Analysis: Grab the remote, throw your hand in your pants and watch the fucking magic unfold. They wasted no time finding a replacement for Jamaal Williams. Grade: A+
  7. (LV TRADES) Cleveland Browns – Edge/LB Vontae Mack (Draft Day)
    Analysis: Sources say Andrew Berry wrote a sticky note that he put in his pocket. That note read VONTAE MACK NO MATTER WHAT. Well he got Vontae. Sonny Weaver is proud. They mortgaged two 3rd Rounders and 8 Future 1st Rounders. But goddamnit, they got their guy. Grade: VONTAE MACK NOT MATTER WHAT
  8. (ATL TRADES) Arizona Cardinals – Edge Julius Campbell (Remember The Titans)
    Analysis: They gained some draft capital and a real good defensive end. But at what cost? They could have had a game changer with Bobby Boucher. Grade: B
  9. Chicago Bears – OT Louie Lastik (Remember the Titans)
    Analysis: Another Titan off the board. What a gem of a human Lastik is. He is protective of his team. He wants everyone to get along. The man can deliver a yo mama joke better than anyone. Grade: B+
  10. Philadelphia Eagles – RB Boobie Miles (Friday Night Lights)
    Analysis: This offense just became a whole lot more dangerous. God made Boobie beautiful. Grade: A
  11. Tennessee Titans – WR Rod Tidwell (Jerry McGuire)
    Analysis: SHOW ME THE MONEY! Titans manage to grab the best receiver in the draft by mile. Big move at 11. Grade A+
  12. Houston Texans – WR Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
    Analysis: Call it a day Texans! They get their QB and they get a number one receiver to go with him. Grade A
  13. (NYJ TRADES) Detroit Lions – CB Earl Wilkinson (The Replacements)
    Analysis: If there is anyone who can keep him out of legal trouble, it is Dan Campbell. This is the classic case of high risk / high reward. Grade: B-
  14. New England Patriots – OT Jumbo Fumiko (The Replacements)
    Analysis: Nan desu ka! Grade: C+
  15. Green Bay Packers – OT Bud Kaminski (The Program)
    Analysis: Nothing sexy. Just a big brute who can protect a young QB. Grade: B+
  16. Washington Commanders – S Spike Hammersmith (Little Giants)
    Analysis: Spike was in Pee-Wee hell once. Now, he is in the hell leftover from that dirtbag Dan Snyder. Grade: B
  17. Pittsburgh Steelers – DT Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)
    Analysis: They missed their shot on the only great corner in the draft after the aggressive jump from the Lions. They land a quality interior lineman to sure up the front of the defense. Grade: C+
  18. (DET TRADES) New York Jets – LB Luther “Shark” Lavay
    Analysis: Absolute game changer for the Jets on defense. They already have pieces. They just made their defense a juggernaut. They still have some major holes on offense. Grade: B
  19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – G Jamal Jackson (The Replacements)
    Analysis: Full rebuild. May as well start with the best available up front. Grade: C-
  20. Seattle Seahawks – G Andre Jackson (The Replacements)
    Analysis: To be honest, they got Bobby Boucher. The rest of the draft could suck and they would still get an A+. Grade: Doesn’t even matter
  21. Los Angeles Chargers – RB Earl Megget (The Longest Yard)
    Analysis: There is some injury history for the speedster. But, he is a home run especially if Austin Ekeler is out. Grade: B
  22. Baltimore Ravens – LB Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea (Little Giants)
    Analysis: Ravens out here pioneering to bring the first female to the NFL. This bezerko barbie doll is the niece of the great Kevin O’Shea. Who is also connected to Al Bundy. LEGACY! Grade: A
  23. Minnesota Vikings – WR Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)
    Analysis: Sources say they are considering Junior Floyd. But I think they stick to their guns and get some more weapons on offense.
  24. Jacksonville Jaguars – TE Cheeseburger Eddie (The Longest Yard)
    Analysis: Sure, Evan Engram is coming off a great year. But do they sign him long term? That is a big question. No matter what, Cheeseburger makes an immediate impact. He has the shakes that’ll make you quake, the fries that’ll cross your eyes and the burgers that’ll…he just got burger. Grade: B+
  25. New York Giants – QB Johnny Utah (Point Break)
    Analysis: Daniel Jones sucks. As that old guy at the draft was caught mouthing on draft night, HE CAN’T THROW THE BALL. Grade: B
  26. Dallas Cowboys – RB Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
    Analysis: Jerry Jones spoke with Bear Bryant and was told Gump may be the stupidest son of a bitch alive, but he sure is fast. Jerry allegedly came in his pants. Grade: B-
  27. Buffalo Bills – WR Clifford Franklin (The Replacements)
    Analysis: Bills get a solid number two alongside Diggs so this can be considered a win. Grade: B+
  28. Cincinnati Bengals – S Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
    Analysis: Cinci has some work to do on the back end of their defense losing Von Bell and Jessie Bates. Getting a heavy hitter like Chavo can certainly boost that secondary. It’s good. It’s not great. Grade: B
  29. New Orleans Saints – DT Switowski (The Longest Yard)
    Analysis: He is an absolute menace on the line. It fills a big need for New Orleans. I just hope the equipment staff is ready. He might broked your toy. Grade: A-
  30. Philadelphia Eagles – Edge Charles Jefferson (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
    Analysis: A mean city gets a mean lineman. I would just warn the fans of Philly not to accidentally flip his car. Grade: A
  31. Kansas City Chiefs – WR Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon (Little Giants)
    Analysis: It’s a case of best available here. Grade: C


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