I am back for Round 2 of video game fuckery with the Ultimate Fictional Baseball Team.
In 2020, I did a fictional baseball team simulation on MLB 2k12 (Xbox 360) to see how they would fair. I didn’t stack the deck per se. I graded them based on how good they were in the movies. For example, Willie Mays Hays had a decent bat and blazing speed. I simulated the season and posted the results.
Since launching this damn thing in 2016, my blog is usually at it’s best blending the lines of sports and other pop culture. The fictional team is a prime example. I was inactive with the blog from mid 2021 until a few weeks ago. This column still managed to bring 2,000 eyes to my site while being dormant. That is pretty fucking cool honestly. If you wish to read the original, click below…
Ultimate Fictional Baseball Team (Click Here)
On an updated game and system (MLB The Show 2023 for PS5), I did the same thing.
My only rule was not using repeat players. This definitely felt like a B Team because of it. Still loads of fun nonetheless. I also put them on the Athletics once again.
CF – T-Rex Pennebaker (Mr. 3000)
Stats: .313, 28 HRs, 100 RBIs, 60 SBs
Favorite Quote: “That right there, that’s a little something something for Sportscenter. Plus, that’s going to look tight on next year’s video game.”
T-Rex reminds me an awful lot of one of my favorite current stars, Ronald Acuna Jr. While he has the skills to be a 3 or 4 hole hitter, let’s utilize that speed and power at the front of the lineup. He is probably the only 5 tool player I have on this team. Let’s get this man some PAs and see what happens.
SS – Ray Mitchell (Angels in the Outfield)
Stats: .323, 38 HRs, 113 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “That eliminates all the speech for most of the team.”
While Mitchell is a 3rd basemen, I needed a shortstop. He’s speedy and athletic enough to make the switch. We made a little tweak to fill the need. Mitchell is a good defender and good hitter. He’s not spectacular at anything, but above average to good at everything.
RF – Roy Hobbs (The Natural)
Stats: .318, 40 HRs, 104 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “And then when I walked down the street people would’ve looked and they would’ve said there goes Roy Hobbs, the best there ever was in this game.”
This was an omission from my first team that someone actually commented on. I couldn’t pass up the prospect of the Murderer’s Row of sluggers I had at 3, 4 and 5 on my first team though. Hobbs was an absolute slugger who could hit for contact and power making him the perfect candidate for this team’s 3 hole.
DH – Hedo (Rookie of the Year)
Stats: .256, 40 HRs, 98 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “SEE YA!”
Hedo is a BAAAAAAD man. This dude is the epitome of touch em all. I feel like no lineup is complete unless it has a great villain. He is THAT dude. The man instills fear into anyone.
1B – Lou Collins (Little Big League)
Stats: .293, 27 HRs, 103 RBIs
Favorite Quote: Honestly, nothing memorable.
Leader. That is the first thing that comes to mind with Lou Collins. While no quotes came to mind, he was the glue holding the Twins together. He was also the man who got the locker room to buy in to Billy Haywood. He was one of the league’s best players and best guys.
C – Mike Engelberg (Bad News Bears)
Stats: .280, 31 HRs, 97 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “Look, Mr. Buttermaker, quit buggin’ me about food. People are always buggin’ me about it. My shrink says that’s why I’m so fat! So you’re not doin’ me any good, so just quit it!”
There really isn’t a character in the original Bad News Bears I don’t love. Engelberg is one of a king though. He’s such a piece of shit in the best way possible. He’s a pretty good catcher as well.
3B – Roger Dorn (Major League)
Stats: .298, 18 HRs, 67 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “See, I’ve got it right here in my contract. It says, “I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I don’t feel are necessary.” So what do you think about that?”
Roger Dorn is an absolute legend in baseball movie royalty. He went from being the club asshole in the first movie to needing to be liked in the 2nd movie. In his playing days, he had a good bat. A great contact hitter. Although, he was a defensive liability because he feared injury.
LF – Billy “Downtown” Anderson (Major League: Back to the Minors)
Stats: .243, 32 HRs, 98 RBIs
Favorite Quote: “No, I traded them all for one player to be named at a later date. I’m kidding.”
Young. Arrogant. It eventually gets the best of him. But once he learns to stop trying to be a hero and let the game come to him, Downtown could live up to every bit of that name. The only clip I could find doesn’t feature Downtown, but it’s a funny scene.
2B – Mickey Scales (Little Big League)
Stats: .300, 8 HRs, 64 RBIs, 33 SBs
Favorite Quote: “The Dodgers played in Brooklyn?”
Another character who didn’t have many lines and was more so there for the action scenes. Scales was a great 2nd basemen. He had his hot and cold streaks, but when he could turn routine hits into extra bases.
Starter – Steve Nebraska (The Scout)
Stats: 21-4, 208 Ks, 2.25 ERA
Favorite Quote: “I got a little hungry.”
He comprised the single greatest stat line in a single game. That’s the only reason I need to have him in my rotation.
Starter – Kenny DeNunez (The Sandlot)
Stats: 23-4, 250 Ks, 2.54 ERA
Favorite Quote: “I dare you to hit it.”
The swagger of my rotation. Much like most of his Sandlot counterparts, he’s a quality shit talker. He is confident in his ability to throw heat. Let’s be honest, he made those preppy douchebags look foolish at the dish.
Starter – Ryan Dunne (Summer Catch)
Stats: 18-5, 211 Ks, 4.16 ERA
Favorite Quote: “I love standing on that mound with a baseball in my hand… Staring at a guy holdin’ a club *60* feet away… KNOWING… that he can’t touch me… It is the only place in the world that I feel powerful…”
Summer Catch is criminally underrated. It’s a damn good baseball flick. Ryan Dunne is one of my favorite baseball movie characters hands down. He’s a bit of a head case. When he’s on, he is fucking ON.
Relief – Jim Bowers (Little Big League)
Rating: 3-2, 1 SV 56 Ks, 2.59 ERA
Favorite Quote: “On behalf of the entire Apache Nation, we accept this olive branch of peace.”
You want to talk about someone who plays to the beat their own drum? This is him. Sometimes being unconventional can be used to your benefit.
Closer – Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
Stats: 3-3, 50 SV, 70 Ks, 2.11 ERA
Favorite Quote: “Pitcher’s got a big butt.”
When we talk fictional closers, it is 1A and 1B with Ricky Vaughn and Henry Rowengartner. He came a long way from throwing laundry detergent into a washer.
Coaching Staff (For Shits and Giggles)
Manager – Sal Martinella (Rookie of the Year)
Favorite Quote: *Every time he tried to pronounce Rowengartner.*
The only reason I picked him is because of the video below….
Hitting Coach – George Knox (Angels in the Outfield)
Favorite Quote: “Come to think of it, I have felt better since I slugged Wilder.”
Pitching Coach – Jake Taylor (Major League)
Favorite Quote: “Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. By the way, saw your wife last night, hell of a dancer, you must be very, very proud.”
- Record: 112-50
- Lost Wildcard 2-3
- Average Leader: Ray Mitchell, .323
- Stolen Base Leader: T-Rex, 60
- Wins Leader: Kenny DeNunez, 23
- Strikeouts Leader: Kenny DeNunez, 250
- Saves Leader: Henry Rowengartner, 50
- All Stars: T-Rex, Mitchell, Hobbs, Collins, Engelberg, Scales, Nebraska, DeNunez, Dunne, Rowengartner
- Gold Gloves: Hobbs
- Silver Slugger: Engelberg, Collins, Mitchell, Hobbs
- Best Record in MLB
- DeNunez wins Cy Young
- Rowengartner Reliever of the Year
- DeNunez Rookie of the Year
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